Dirty Post

This week’s post is all about sex. I know what you’re thinking; we’ve covered that before. Well, not exactly. This post is a little more specific. Also explicit. Today we’re focusing on actual sexual acts and their consequences. This is why I write this sh*t under a pseudonym. We’re starting off with two simple, should-be-fairly-obvious subjects, but if you have anything dirty or depraved that you’d like to discuss, email me or hit me in the comments section and we’ll post again. I’m not averse to making this a regular feature.

Where do you get off?

From the windoooows, to the waaaa- No.  Hell no. I realize that in our hyper-sexualized porn-loving culture, that sexual fantasies being cultivated by young men in their adolescence over the last two or three decades have been a little more, um, intense than those who came of age at a time when the glimpse of a woman’s wild and wooly area was enough to seal the deal. Perhaps it is because of this (or because of ever-changing attitudes about women), we have been experiencing a weird new trend: Trying out porn moves in real life…sans discussion. Look, I don’t have a lot of sex. Not because of some asinine social mores, but because my family’s Catholicism is hard to overcome mentally (even though I know sex laws are ridiculous. Thanks a lot, St. Agustine) and because I study human disease and I am terrified of the HIV and the herp. That being said, when I do find a man that I deem worthy of the key to paradise (Is she deluded? Or is she that good? *), I typically have months or years of pent-up sexual frustration to take out on him. The first time may be flowers and candlelight, but after that shit is gonna get real. I’ve got that preacher’s daughter thing going on due to years of sexual repression. HOWEVER, no matter how athletic – even rough – I may like my intimate encounters, even I don’t want you giving me a facial. I would think that would go without saying, but when I checked with ten girlfriends to see what about sex they wanted men to know, two of the ten admitted to getting an impromptu semen shower. That may be a very poor, very specific sample population for statistical purposes, but knowing that 20% of women polled encountered the dreaded skeet led me to believe that this issue should be addressed.

There are many reactions to unsolicited sexual “extras”. When my former roommate’s boyfriend decided to try the back door without asking, I was treated to a naked, crying girl running across my living room shouting “not cool, not cool.” When my friend’s buddy decided to bathe his girlfriend’s chest with his seed, he rested, upon finishing, above her with his arms at her side. She, feeling less than thrilled with his actions, knocked his arms out from under him, sending him falling on her chest and into his own goo. When he protested, she responded with “well why the f*ck would you think I would want it on my chest?” Good question. One of the two girls polled said that it was a communication issue.  That she told her boyfriend she wanted to get a little aggressive,that he should take what he wanted.

[Let that be a lesson, ladies: word choice. Word choice.]

Look. Gentleman. I know this may be confusing for some of you. Many women readily swallow it, so why not wear it? The same goddamn reason I don’t want you dousing me with Champagne a la Big Pimpin. It’s not just degrading, it’s dehumanizing. It sends a message that she is a thing. That’s frustrating enough to deal with when it’s coming from a rap video, pundits, or some douche-bag one-night stand. But if it’s someone she trusts, someone she cares about, that kind of thing can be devastating. Why not just take a dump on her chest? Or pull a mid-level- R&B-star sex tape move and piss on her?

[What woman could resist?]

I feel like I’m a fairly progressive adult. I recognize the importance of sex in a healthy relationship and I gain pleasure from pleasuring my mate. I think that, sans the backdoor (hey, you gotta save something for marriage, right?), I would be down with trying a good deal of different fetishisms. But with DUE NOTICE. Do NOT just do stuff to a girl. Just as she gains pleasure from pleasuring you, you should gain pleasure from pleasuring her. Not from degrading her. Maybe you’ll find a girl who likes to be degraded (there are many) if you can only get off if the woman is being reduced in some way (or if you’re just curious), but most women with healthy upbringings and self-esteem are going to be less into it. They may still do it if it’s something you need and the rest of your relationship is equal and respectful, but not without a conversation first. Don’t spring ass play, skeet shots, pile drivers or anything else that “totally got Sasha Gray off”. Porn stars are porn stars. They’re women who have severe emotional and psychological problems. Beyond that, it is their job to act like whatever is being done to them feels awesome, even when it clearly doesn’t.

[I mean, what about these girls would indicate that any part of it may be FAKE?]

Also, they’re getting paid. A hell of a lot more than the cost of a prime rib at Outback. Either use a condom, ask her to get on the pill, or wash your damn sheets. But first and foremost, take it easy on the porn.

* Deluded. The answer is deluded.

Why do girls give bjs instead of sex. Isn’t it worse to have a dick in your mouth?

I would think so. But I think it goes a little deeper than that. This is another one of those “years of sexual repression” things. I’m sure BJs existed in the 60s, but my 66-year-old mother still had to ask me what one was when she watched Knocked Up against my advisement. Maybe it wasn’t as prevalent then? Either way, wort.movie.experience.ever. Regardless, after decades and decades of serious sexual repression and decency laws, certain sexual acts were, well, glossed over. The main focus was on preserving virginity, not oral virginity. Women were taught, quite simply: the prize is in our pants. That’s the main event. The hand is the opening act no one’s heard of, the mouth is the second opening act that just insisted upon being referred to as a co-headliner. As such, in many people’s minds, the mouth is less dirty and a better option for someone you don’t really want or aren’t ready to get with.

["For lunch we're serving meat loaf instead of egg salad, and uhh...BJ's don't count"--- Lewis Black]

For the truly sexually liberated women, though there may be one of three reasons she is more likely to put it in her mouth:

1.     It’s easier to see if it’s clean. Herpes lesions are easier to spot five inches from her face.

2.     Her throat can’t get pregnant.

3.     Her mouth stays the same size no matter how much she uses it.

Well, that concludes today’s post. May my mom never ever read it.