Don't be Tarvaris Jackson. Tarvaris Jackson doesn't want to be Tarvaris Jackson.

So many of my guy friends (and even more of my girlfriends) have dealt with the following kind of situation, so I feel I need to address it publicly this time. My friend Andy and his girlfriend of 4 years broke up. Why? Because she met someone else she wants to go out with, or as Andy would tell it, “she wants to f*ck a better-looking, older guy with more money than me.” She still texts Andy though, still sends him messages on facebook, and occasionally calls (mostly drunk dials) under the guise that she ‘wants to be friends’. Spoiler alert: she doesn’t. Andy, baby, I’m sorry but…you’re Tarvaris Jackson.

You’re Tarvaris Jackson, he’s Brett Favre. He’s better looking, older, and more popular. He’s been in the game longer and can give her a sense of excitement and boost her status. That being said, he doesn’t play the game the way she’s accustomed to and, being the “new” guy, he does not come with the assumed loyalty and security she has from years with you. You’ve been with her since the 2006 draft and she needs that sense of security. If something goes wrong and Favre needs to be taken off the field (albeit while simultaneously pretending to object to the benching and talking up his woeful injury)

[Oh, how I wish I didn’t have to stop playing just because of this HORRIBLE, UNGODLY PAIN. I will just push through, because I am…the Favre]

or if, God forbid, he were to trade to a new team or finally retire, she still has you – ever loyal, patiently waiting on the bench for your turn to get on the field.

But here’s the thing: do you want to be Tarvaris Jackson?

[Awww. Someone needs a cuddle.]

This woman dumped you after years together so that she could f*ck a better-looking man. Have some self-respect, dude. Would you really want to go back to that? And, if by chance, it doesn’t work out with the other guy (and I assure you she’s still contacting you precisely because of that concern), do you really want the bastardized version of your relationship that will follow? It’s like when you wake up in the middle of a great dream and, while starting to fall back to sleep, you attempt to re-dream it. But it ends up some weird, mutant version of the original dream and for some reason Kirk Douglas and his butler are there throwing butter at your naked ass.

[Just me?]

You can’t push rewind on life. The sense of trust and security on your side of the relationship is broken and it’s not easy to get that back. This woman is unbelievably selfish. She wants the best of both worlds. She gets to embark on a new, exciting relationship and regularly have sex with her new man and, if something goes wrong, she has your weak, pathetic ass sitting at home ready to take her back at the drop of a hat.

Maybe if you had gotten together in high school or something and needed time to find yourselves, but you’re adults and she specifically left you for someone else. Relationships that succeed after break-ups only do so after a great deal of time has passed for self-reflection, and a tremendous amount of effort has gone into resolving those issues that caused it to fail. Issues beyond, ‘she’s a selfish trick who wants to bone someone else without losing you’. From what you’re telling me, this is nothing more than a sanctioned affair. You’re willing to watch as she runs off and repeatedly climbs atop another man so long as, ultimately, she comes home to you.

Wow.

[*to. I feel bad writing that. Misspellings will only add to his self-esteem issues.]

This chick is playing you, and will likely continue to do so until you man up, block the number and click ‘unfriend’. You can’t be friends with an ex immediately following the breakup – especially if you’re not the one who initiated it. If she had any concern for you at all she’d leave you alone. If you end up ignoring this advice and getting back with this girl, be prepared. Because it’s only a matter of time until something better comes along and then you’re back on the sidelines. The bottom line is: this woman doesn’t think you’re good enough. In the end, you’re just a place-holder until the real starter comes along. You deserve better than that. So deal with the pain like an adult and move on. Find someone who thinks you’re the star. I won’t pretend it will be easy. But the right thing never is.

Let's talk about sex: We're still talking about this?

I was raised in a Catholic home by a feminist. Suffice it to say, I am conflicted. My personal sexual neuroses are likely entirely my own and as such, the following few paragraphs may only be of real help if you were trying to sleep with me (giggity). However, being a narcissist, I tend to assume that everyone thinks as I do so I'm going to give you my personal perspective anyway. Hopefully it helps.

[What? I'm a narcissist, not a liar]

As far as I'm concerned, the concept of waiting for marriage is inexorably tied to the concept of women as objects. HOWEVER, that is not to say that intelligent, thoughtful people can’t wait. If that is their choice, more power to them. So long as it is not something that they are indoctrinated to do or forced into based on out-dated and incredibly sexist religious dogma/social standards. Many people I know choose to wait to form sexual relationships until they are married. Many more choose to wait until they are in love. Asserting your equality and making a charge for feminism doesn’t mean one has to open her legs for every guy who catches her fancy (not that I’m judging if she does). Waiting until you love someone does generally equate to better sex. When the intimacy shared between two people goes beyond the physical, there is a deep sense of trust there that allows for a judgment-free (and as such, much more experimental and exciting) environment.

Personally, though love may not be a factor yet, I find a lot of benefits to waiting. Ultimately there are four major factors which generally preclude me from sleeping with strangers:

1. A sense of not wanting to be a notch on anyone’s bed post. This is, admittedly, a flawed perspective originating in a hyper-conservative Catholic upbringing that prevents me from even considering that I take the power to make one a notch on mine.

2. Steadily rising STD rates. If rates continue, by the time I’m 40 around half the US population is going to have herpes. I would prefer to remain in the 50% without oozing genital sores.

3. "If you can't do something right..." One night stands are simply not worth the risk. Sex is better with practice, you need to learn what your partner does and doesn't like and each partner is different. The stench of too much beer pressed against me as a stranger struggles to excite nerves that have been numbed by binge drinking is not an erotic picture.

4.Emotion. Just because I’m somewhat commitment phobic doesn’t mean I don’t develop feelings. Though I may shudder at the thought of a long-term romantic commitment, I would prefer to, at minimum, have my lover remain my friend.

Using sex as an ice breaker may give your hands a rest but, much of the time, it is volatile for your heart. There are many women out there who have no problem separating sex from emotion. Good for them. The majority of women I know, however,feel remarkably different. No matter how much they tell themselves that it won’t mean anything, it almost always does. To any men reading this and rolling your eyes. Don’t. It’s your male ancestors' fault. Chalk this one up to centuries of opression. While you had your concubines, we had armored underpants. As such, it is harder for many women to embrace the free-love concept, no matter how badly we seek to equalize the gender playing field. If you're really pissed off, then the next time you go home to visit, kick your grandpa in the nuts.

[Not too hard, he's a veteran]

Beyond emotional health, waiting a while is beneficial if you are looking for a relationship. As far as I'm concerned, a woman trying to lure a man into a relationship by dropping her panties is just as much a road to catastrophe as coaxing him into a relationship by withholding sex. Jumping into bed with someone right away can seriously impact how a relationship develops.

Generally speaking, the first phase in a relationship is supposed to be the period in which you are getting to know one another – however superficially. It is the time to determine whether or not you are attracted to more than just your partner’s appearance. You’re learning the details of your would-be lover’s life, both past and present, and gaining a basic understanding of who they are. Then comes the rampant, contortionist, animal sex - the period in which you become seemingly incapable of keeping your hands off of each other. When you finally leave the bedroom, you transition into the next phase – the period in which you get to know one another more deeply. You finally see the bad with the good and you build on what you learned at the beginning of the relationship – discover what was pretense and what was genuine – and begin to form a stronger bond. When you skip that first phase, you will have nothing to build upon for the third. You’ve spent however long doing unmentionable things to one another’s unmentionables, and now you’re left with the morning after. And, unfortunately, more often than not, that sunlight reveals a lot that you don’t like.

[It's the morning after that doesn't end]

Basically, not wanting to be a punchline for some skeezy douchebag or have the genitalia of a 1940s Guatemalan psych patient (that wasn't racist it was topical: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2010/10/01/government-apologizes-s-std-testing-guatemalans/?test=latestnews ) keeps me from going home with guys from the bar. Wanting my romantic relationships to be based on more than just orgasms means it won't be going down on our first date. I can't say for sure which of the many reasons discussed in the last two weeks is preventing that green-eyed brunette with the perfect rack from making hot monkey love with you after 6 shots of tequila

[Yeesh. Nausea, maybe?]

but hopefully this week's series has given you a little insight as to what sex means to (some) girls. And to the loyal female reader: if you have anything to add, I'd love to hear it.Our next few posts will be transitioning back to reader mail, but for now, I'm out. This is cutting into my *ahem* alone time.

Lets talk about sex: Jesus has bigger worries...

Over the past several decades, the prevailing sentiment expressed by mothers trying to convince their daughters to abstain from sex has typically been:

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Because I’m not livestock. You’re not “buying” me. Beyond the obvious, this statement gives the indication that I am to be “bought” exclusively for my milk, not because of any other redeeming attributes – my healthy coat, my uplifting moo, the adorable way I chew my cud.

[Awww]

The concept that a woman should wait and give the gift of her virginity to her husband is not romantic. It devalues women. It places everything that we are in our sexuality, and it leads stupid women to hijack skanky men into relationships they don’t really want by withholding sex. Personally, I never fully understood what woman would want to be with someone who is only with her so that he can ultimately get into her panties.

[I haz the buyer's remorse]

This concept is based in religious tradition. Bad religious tradition. I recently separated with the Catholic church over the issue of baby rape, but I still maintain belief in a higher power. I believe in God, but I cannot, as an informed woman, rectify my feminism, faith in science, love of gays, and, again, hatred of baby rape, with the teachings of my church. This is, naturally, also the case when it comes to my own sexuality.

The Church is all over the place when it comes to sex and my arguments against female sexual oppression are much the same as those against the oppression of homosexuals. When people come out against gays by saying that the Bible says that a man shouldn’t lay with another man, I always feel compelled to point out some of the other things it says. Let's look at Deuteronomy for example:

That we should break the neck of a cow at the scene of an unsolved murder (assuming, of course, it happens across city lines). [21:1- 21:6].

That raping a woman is okay if she is your captive and you think you may want to marry her. Of course, you don’t have to. If after the rape you change your mind, simply put the woman back in her cage or sell her (though she's worth less cause you banged her). [21:10-14].

That if a woman is raped in the city and doesn’t scream loudly enough for her neighbors to hear, she should be killed because clearly, she wanted it. [22:23-24].

If your parents weren’t married when you were born, then you are a bastard and you AND your children AND your children’s children (and so on through TEN generations) are not welcome in the church. [23:2].


See? Crazy. And that's just one book.

Interestingly enough, I have been hard pressed to find explicit statements in the Bible against pre-marital sex (Samson was bonin’ tons of bitches in the woods at one point). The only references I found were made in regards to a woman’s value. If you find out your new wife isn’t a virgin you can kill her or give her back to her father to kill (either way you keep the dowry). That’s not really the same thing. It’s more of a Lemon Law for misogynists.

[Don't damage it, dude, you'll only get store credit]

But don’t worry, religious right, I’ll keep reading. Even if I do find something, however, it is highly unlikely that it will change my feelings on the subject. You see, the Bible was written a very long time ago. And, while I will concede that some of the basic tenants are transcendent (those that are shared by all religious faiths, for example), a great deal of the text is abso-fucking-lutely crazy by modern standards.

Yet, for all of my anti-organized-religion proselytizing, I still cower in fear of an unknown deity and second-guess my life decisions as a result. Because, as with prevailing social mores, deeply ingrained religious teachings don't disappear overnight. The two people who mean most to me in the world - the ones who have never lied to me, who always sought to protect me, who brought me into this world and taught me how to navigate it - are the ones who took me to the church that instilled these beliefs in me. That is an incredibly powerful thing. Despite growing intellectualism and acknowledgement that so much of what I was taught is obviously wrong, there will always be an underlying sense of fear in me, a part of me that worries that I haven't ostracized enough single moms to get into a heaven that may or may not exist. It may not be enough to have kept me a virgin personally, but it does further that "golf score" mentality.

[Purgatory's not all bad. Apparently you get to play naked 7-Up ]

Thus, it's easy to see that someone who doesn't share my doubts and intellectual curiosities will easily take a hands-off approach to their bodies. The fact is that the vast majority of Americans identify strongly with a religious faith, with most following a judeo-christian or muslim model. Even if someone is is not personally religious, the fact cannot be ignored that these religious principles have, for better or worse, guided how our and many other societies developed (many would argue that's why they were created in the first place). So even if the girl you're after is not personally religious, the influence of western religion is the basis of nearly all of the social mores earlier discussed. Until we can all collectively separate the good aspects of spiritualism from the crazy stuff, the official word of God is going to be "c-block".

Lets talk about sex

Apart from just not being attracted to you…

[Eh, I’ve dated worse].

one obvious reason a woman won’t sleep with you is that she doesn’t want to be a “slut” or a sexual object. Eons of sexual and social oppression doesn’t disappear in a matter of decades.

[Sorry, ladies, but this just ain’t gonna cut it].

I have many strong, sexually liberated friends, two or three of whom claim to have been with close to a hundred men each [presumably not at the same time]. But even the toughest amongst them still winces at words like “slut”, “whore”, and “ho”. They’re smart enough to know that no intelligent man would ever degrade a woman for her sexual choices. But it’s not just the word or who it’s coming from, it’s what it means – undesirable as anything else.

[Professor fiddy says “can’t make a ho a housewife.” He also tweets “My grandma pregnant again trying to talk her out of keeping it” (not sure how that last part applies, but I don’t want to silence his genius)].

Obviously any man who uses these words or believes such an adage is an insecure p*ssy that no self-respecting woman would want, but it still creates an environment of fear for many girls. That judgment by others for doing something could prevent you from finding a desirable mate in the future is one of many reasons that a lot of girls follow a different adage: “keep it like a golf score”.

Too many offers

It’s only natural for you, when you go out to a bar, to look at us as conquests and objects. There are exceptions, of course, but the man asking the question wanted to know why women wouldn’t bone him, so, addressing him, I think I’m safe in my generalization. The truth is that, when we go out, there is a constant stream of dudes vying to feel us from the inside.

[Sexual harassment Panda gets all the ladies cause he knows how to respect boundaries].

If a woman is insecure, she may enjoy the attention, but ultimately, it’s exhausting. It’s nice to feel sexually attractive, but after guy after guy talks to her breasts, tries to touch her face [Ed. Note: Do not ever touch a stranger’s face], or asks her back to his place, one starts to feel degraded and worthless. No one goes to a bar to meet their soul mate, but try to remember that even if the girl you’re chatting up is the first girl you’ve seen all night, you’re likely the tenth guy that day who has tried to bang her. It gets old. Even as a man in your horny prime, it would start to take a toll if roles were reversed.

[In the immortal words of Milhouse “I’m a human [girl] I have feelings"].

As such, sex has a value. For golddiggers and other professional whores the value is monetary, but for the rest it is emotional. Women who withhold sex do so to get something out of it. For some, it is simply an assurance that you actually have to talk to us and recognize our values as complete human beings. For other, sadder people, it is the basis of how they form entire relationships (often marriages…sick, poorly-founded marriages). Finding more liberated women who only want you for the night is not impossible. As social mores change, it is an increasingly easy task. But for many of us, the remnants of past oppression linger, and the desire to be seen completely takes on an increased significance with every cocktail thrown our way and…well…we’re not giving it up without a fight.

Let's talk about SEX: Intro

Why are so many hot girls prudes?

-Anonymous guy

That is a weighty question, my friend.

Female sexuality is a highly complex and personal issue with many factors - religious upbringing, parental role models, childhood experiences, past relationships, etc. - impacting where, when, how, and why a woman will or will not have sex. But this blog isn't about specificity; it's about broad generalizations [get it? BROAD?] that help 70% of the time. So let's dig in.

We live in a strange era. The sexual revolution was supposed to give women equal rights to men, with birth control and abortion leading the charge by allowing us sexual freedom through the removal of the threat of pregnancy destroying our single lives. Unfortunately, it had the side effect of making more acceptable the once-frowned-upon direct marketing of female sexuality. The long tradition of exploiting women as sex objects mingled with the removal of the need for euphemisms and veils, and women's new-found freedom to express their sexuality, culminating in an ultra-sad afterbirth of the feminist movement - the growing number and acceptance of women sexually exploiting themselves for profit. The whoring-yourself-without-actually-whoring gave birth to a predictable conservative backlash at the same time that it was confusing a new generation of women who who seem to think that dry-humping a Buick while being doused in Champagne is somehow expressing their sexuality like a man.

[I wonder why Tupac never did this stuff in a video]

The commercialization of explicit sexuality [I say explicit because sex has always been a marketing tool], specifically by women selling themselves, has muddied the waters and created a kind of polemic amid females in their teens through thirties. There are many of us hanging out in the middle ground - selective in regards to who we allow to touch us, but not particularly susceptible to Bible-thumpers warning that no man will want to go where others have already trekked. Sadly, however, an astonishing number of women out there think that visible thongs, dancing on table tops, and blowing guys in bathroom stalls is empowering, and an equally staggering number, born out of a growing conservativism that sprung up in opposition to an increasingly over-sexualized society, who repress themselves. the one thing these two extremes have in common: they both use their sexuality as currency.

In order to get a girl to go home with you from a bar, you need more than shots of Yager [Not an endorsement of GHB], you need to know which women to look for, which means you need to learn a little more about what sex means to a woman. Lady and gentleman, I believe we've just stumbled upon this week's topic...let's get it on.

Quickies

Today is my day off and I am spending it enjoying Huntington Beach. I’ve been having a sh-tty week so far and am not feeling terribly funny (as evident in the previous post) but I had three new email questions this morning and I don’t want to disappoint the three people reading this [Hi mom!]. None of these required an entire post, so I’m answering them all here:

Was ZZ Top right? Is every girl crazy bout a sharp dressed man?

I know this is just Matt being a smart ass, but I’ll answer nonetheless. Yes. Yes it is.

Though I should point out that the definition of “sharp” is subjective...

I’ve been best friends with the most amazing girl in the world for four years. But she just wants to stay friends. How do I get her to see me as more?

Ooh. That’s rough. I wish I had the answer to that. I met a guy a few weeks ago through adult intramural sports who is AMAZING. I would bathe Kirstie Alley up close and personal – i.e. without rubber gloves or a rag on a stick – for the chance to feel his lips pressed against mine just once.

[I stand by my statement...and also vomit in my mouth a little]

But, unfortunately for me, he ‘say she just a friend’ [Unrequited crush frownies]. The sad fact is we have no control over who does, or in our cases, does not find us attractive in a romantic/sexual sense. If you’ve been spending time with this girl for four years, she obviously has a lot of redeeming qualities and you shouldn’t shut her out of your life. But it looks like you’re just going to have to be satisfied with having her in your life in a platonic capacity and look elsewhere for romance. Past experience precludes me from asserting that she’ll never come around, but you can’t pin your hopes and dreams on a ‘maybe someday’ situation. Date other people to take your mind off of her until you find someone who’s as into you as you are her [That’s why I’m going out with a 35-year-old southern stereotype on Friday]. And until then, hang out with me in the friendzone. I’ll bring some whiskey.

[With a name that rhymes with “endzone”, you’d think it’d be a happy place. Also, is it an indicator of a sort of social regionalism that I assume that anyone with a thick southern drawl is fan of hate-crimin'?]

Why do you hate Entourage so much?

Because it’s a predictable, formulaic, just generally poorly written, unfunny, circlejerk with one-dimensional characters played by mercilessly douchey actors (though I admit to liking the Piv in other things) that degrades and exploits the female players in a pathetic attempt to appeal to some ridiculous adolescent (sometimes even pre-pubescent) male fantasy. In the opinion of most self-respecting women, admitting to liking this steaming pile of sh-t is an indicator, not only of terrible taste in television, but a person who is, at best, easily entertained and at worst, still has the mind and relationship skills/goals of a high schooler. Truth be told, if I meet an amazing guy who mysteriously likes this diarrhea, I’m not going to stop seeing him or anything. It’s not that strong a hatred. I just rarely find myself attracted to the kinds of guys who watch it.

Also, Kevin Dillon looks like Matt Dillon’s real-life Cubert Farnsworth:

“Why's his nose different than yours?"

"I left him in his first test tube too long and he got all mushed up against the side…"

Well that’s it, loyal triumvirate of readers. Two unfunny posts in one day. Now if you’ll excuse me, my underboob won’t tan itself…well I guess it will, kinda, but not unless I go back outside.

More on lowering standards

I don’t know that the following necessarily fall under the umbrella of ‘lowering one’s standards’, but I felt they were important tips to keep in mind when trying to find the right girl.

I. Don’t jump to conclusions about a woman.

Don’t let one comment made by or about a girl you want to get to know stop you from doing so. Other peoples’ perceptions of a person can sometimes be monstrously wrong, and an off-the-cuff joke or comment can be interpreted in way completely opposite of the intended meaning. Like when that blonde guy in my office labeled me a racist because I said that Oscar Nuñez from The Office sorta looks like Macho Comacho.

[Tell me you don’t see a resemblance! What’s that? You don’t? *sigh* back to sensitivity training for me…]

When you don’t know someone, you really can’t base an assessment of who they are as a person on one comment or incident. Also, it never hurts to look past what others see as their opinions may be just as skewed as yours.

II. Sometimes it’s not her fault.

Sometimes your crazy ass makes her act crazy. I was once subjected to a 16-hour date with a guy I barely knew. During the course of this entire day he only spoke when spoken to. Right, cause that’s normal. Not being aware of his social ineptitudes prior to this experience, I assumed he was bored and proceeded to nervously talk the entire day. That’s right. The ole’ verbal diarrhea.

[Kinda like that, but worse]

Poor thing had to take a nap just to get a break from my incessant yapping. I’m not like that ordinarily, but motherf---er wasn’t adding anything to the conversation and the awkwardness was palpable. As Sinatra once said “when you go out, it shouldn’t be a staring contest.” The point of the story is, sometimes you’re as much to blame for sh-tty dates as the girl ruining it.

III. Sometimes she’s not herself.

I have gotten a reputation of late for being brutal with dumpings. You know how they say ‘when it’s right, you just know’? Well that goes double for when it’s wrong. That being said, I always always give second chances after break-ups and, no matter how awful a first date may be, I will always go on a second date.* Why do I do this? Because I know what it’s like to have an off-day ruin your chances with someone special. When my fiancé and I broke up I was destroyed. I didn’t go on a date again for two years. I did however see an old college friend when he came to town. It wasn’t a date – we were joined by my friend Melissa – but it was a chance at reconnecting with someone I had a MAJOR crush on before I started dating my fiancé. The only problem was, it came two months after my ex left. I was depressed, I was alone, and thanks to an illness that required a prescription steroid, I was about 40 lbs heavier. I was so nervous that I started drinking before he even arrived. I broke three things that night – two martini glasses and a four-year friendship. I can’t describe what a mess I was that night. You remember drunk girl from SNL? Yeah, kind of like that, but without the flashings and promiscuity.

[The resemblance is uncanny, both physically and behaviorally]

In his eyes, I have never recovered from that night. We still chat on occasion, but it has become painfully clear that that one single evening completely changed how he saw me and undid four years of good standing. I’m not the girl I was that night by any stretch of the imagination, there were an exorbitant number of extenuating circumstances, but the sad truth is that, with most men, bad impressions are nearly impossible to recover from. After that, I resolved to give everyone second chances. Everyone has off nights. A date can be as short as a dinner. So give her a second chance. What’s another 45 minutes?

*Exceptions: incidents of rape, physical assault, verbal abuse and any other obvious sh-t I shouldn’t have to list.

Beauty is a short-lived tyranny

[You think this picture's scary? This bitch is 40. Beauty fades, my friends...hard]

Everyone knows that physical attraction is important in a relationship but, truth be told, who a person is can make them physically attractive even if they may lack aesthetic appeal. If I could find a smart, funny man who respects me and has similar life goals, he could look like Jabba mated with the Rancor and I’d still be all over him like a Hilton on an 8 ball.

Most women I know feel the same way. Most men I know, however, tend to struggle with this. So many of my buddies have completely ridiculous standards for what their girl should look like. And if it’s just a one-nighter or a 6 month fling, then fine, go for the Playmate, but if you want to build a life with someone you should, more often than not, go with pretty over hot.

[Truly amazing rack, but do you wanna have to talk to this whack job post-motorboat?]

When you grow up looking like Megan Fox during your formative years, it rarely lends itself to your being interesting, smart, or funny. You don't have to be. You don't even have to be a good person. Megan Fox could be a seal-clubbing, neo-nazi, baby rapist and nearly every man I know would still kill to have sex with her. Even if afterwards they had to have sex with Donatella Versace. And Donatella's vag was filled with rusted barbed wire, bear traps, and agitated badgers.

[I'm told it is, actually. But that's just rumor. My money's on dust and unhappiness.]

If super hot girls also had super hot minds, senses of humor, and personalities, the rest of womanhood would never get laid. Generally, in oder to compete with super hot bitches, the rest of us had to work on developing decent personalities and social skills. We have other things to offer that they lack. It’s what my friends and I call ‘average chick justice’. In addition, not spending a lifetime having everything you want handed to you without merit tends to make one a more nurturing and selfless mate.

Initial attraction is physical, but if you're looking for something longer lasting, you need to accept some physical flaws because real relationships are based on more than just sex. And honestly, Anon, everyone is pretty when the lights go out.

[Hey, 50 % of this girls eyes are totally normal. I’m just sayin.]

Hmmm, I'm coming off like a bitter Susan-Boyle-esque spinster lady in this one, yelling that pretty girls are what’s wrong with the world while stroking my hairy beer gut and preparing D’Artagnan dog for our late-night Buffy marathon.

[D’Artagnan dog is definitely team Riley…he loves a man in uniform]

To be clear, that's not what I'm saying. I’m not trying to tell you to date mutants, that won’t work either as you have to have some spark. I’m just saying that if you’re looking for a girl who looks like Bar Refaeli, makes you laugh like Louis CK, and can hold a conversation like a Rhodes Scholar, then you’re going to be looking for a long, long time.

I'm back, baby

After two weeks off for a visiting Briton and a drunken holiday extravaganza, I found our email box flooded with two messages! One of which was even a question pertaining to the subject matter of this blog! Lets dive in. This week's question comes from a man who didn't want his name used. So we'll call him Anon E. Mous. Not to be confused with his cousin Don E. Most.

[What's that? No one reading this is old enough to get this reference? Fuck you. Maybe I think you watch too much TV Land]

Anyway Anon writes the following:

My main problem in finding a girl is that I can't find anyone I really want to be with for more than a few hours. An attractive, sane, fun girl who likes all the same stuff I do.

Welcome to dating, dude. The whole point is to meet as many people as possible until you find that one that you can actually put up with for the long haul. That being said, I think it couldn't hurt to talk about realistic standards. I have a hunch you may be too harsh a judge.

When I was in high school, I dreamt of someday marrying an attractive, independently wealthy Ph.D. and part-time comedian who was half-Irish, half-Italian, and raised in the UK so he'd have their dry wit. Oh, and he wouldn't mind being a stay-at-home dad so I could fulfill my dreams of becoming a doctor. These types of expectations may be why I didn't get a prom date (well, that or the acne, beer gut, and social leprosy...it's a toss up).

My standards today at 26?

1. Born a man

2. Not crazy

3. Literate

4. Not a fan of Entourage or Spike TV

5. Theoretically Employable

So why have my requirements for a mate dropped off so sharply in the last decade? Is it cynicism? Crushing loneliness? The realization that I'm no picnic?

No. Just recognition of the fact that no one is perfect, that few of us can actually find someone who perfectly fits our romantic ideal, and the fact that I don't want to end up a middle-aged woman who enters her cat in feline fashion shows.

[I wonder if there were any women in attendance who did not have eggs frozen]

No one wants to have to settle, but everyone has to make certain concessions. The major things that you need to be happy have to be there - i.e. you have to agree on children, financial and career goals, where to live etc. - but let go of some of the smaller things. A lot of you out there just need to come to terms with this and lower your standards a little.

[So she opens ketchup bottles with her teeth. It's an IHOP for Christ's sake, not Morton's]

That will be our focus this week on TWWOW, realistic standards. Get ready, reader, this is gonna be a 3-fer.

A few quick tips for picking up chicks

This blog has been focused the last few weeks on keeping a woman, without acknowledging how difficult it can be just to get one in the first place. Lets face it, a lot of guys out there have no game. Many of you try too hard to impress. You need to act like a normal person and stop trying to be what you think we want. This is a first impression, after all, so the smallest mistake can mess things up dramatically.

Language.

Your choice of words early on is a good indicator of how far you'll get. You can say things when you're introducing yourself to a woman that will guarantee that she'll never ever sleep with you. For example, if you use the word 'ladies' when addressing a group of women and:

1.) It's not followed by 'room' or 'and gentleman'

2.) English is not your second language

3.) You're not my high school volleyball coach...

then I am generally going to assume that you will drug and rape me. I don't need a crystal ball to see I'm waking up next to a dumpster with my dress on inside out and a very disconcerting taste in my mouth.

Similar she'll-never-sex-you words and phrases include things like "Chasin that paper", "Hella", and "I watch Entourage".

[Not only will I never sleep with you, I very well may try to cut you].

Clothing.

The way that you dress can speak volumes as well. It's not about the cost of your clothing. It's fit and style.

1.) Your pants should fit. We want to see a little ass (through your pants, not because they're falling off of you), but not Numboya's mystical staff. The fact is, baggy jeans make you look unemployable and too-tight pants indicate that you're either over-sexed or severely undersexed.

[The pants on the left are only okay for Roger Daltrey. And only because he an Liam Neeson were responsible for my sexual awakening]

2.) You should never ever wear graphic tees when you're over the age of 18. I know it works for Jon Gosselin, but...oh God...excuse me...I just threw up in my mouth thinking about the fact that Jon Gosselin has sex [Looks like someone will be starting her drinking a little early this morning].

[Oh God...there's blood in my vomit]

3.) Don't wear jewelry unless you're really really ethnic.

[I'd rather date a guy who steals jewelry from me to pawn it, than one who takes it to wear...also, what self-respecting woman would bang a magician?].

Behavior

1.) Do not EVER send a woman a drink before talking to her. You don't want to start out with a woman feeling like she has to talk to you. That's extortion. You may as well kidnap my dog.

[Sadly my stalker doesn't have Photoshop either].

2.) Don't get too drunk. There's a reason that officer "Sugar Tits" wasn't anglin for what Mel was danglin. You say stupid things when you're drunk. Things like "Hella". Also, you have a greater tendency to cross a boundary, like touching me without permission. Me in a bar filled with drunks is like Ash in Medieval times.

[Now I swear, the next one of you primates even touches me...]

3.) On the other extreme, though, don't overdo it with the sensitivity. We want to know that you have a sensitive side, but not right away. Being a nice guy and being a total vagina are very different creatures. Don't cry talking about your ex (best not to mention her at all) or the puppy you saw at the pound last week. If you do, I will either think that you're lying to me or that you were born a herm and your parents made the wrong choice regarding which gender to raise you. Either way, I'd be more likely to set up a poker game with Joran van der Sloot than let you see me naked.

[He's worried cause he missed his period]

There will be a lot more tips to follow, but I have to get back to the work for which I actually get PAID. So here's a final word of advice: treat us like human beings. Regular, run-of-the-mill people. Just talk to us the way you would anyone else and don't try so f--king hard. Desperation is not an alluring scent.

You must be doing it wrong

This is an excerpt from an email sent in response to the GDLNG posts. You mean people actually read this crap?!

Two girls dumped me because they said I didn't challenge them enough...[Redacted] I challenged all the time and she dumped me because she said I was a dick. I think you're overlooking the fact that most women don't know what they want.

When you say "I challenged" you mean...?

We've already covered coming on too strong too fast, so I assume you are referring to a different kind of challenge. No one likes being told what to do. No one. If you're my partner, then we are to be equals. This is an even balance - no tipping scales here. So someone who tells me what to do, criticizes constantly, or has the audacity to call me a name or talk down to me...he can go f--k himself (clearly he wishes he could). But that doesn't mean I want to be given everything or be in charge all the time. What a woman seeks when she says she wants someone to challenge her is someone who encourages her, treats her as an equal, and most importantly, makes her strive to be better.

[I'd rather douche with Paris Hilton's bath water and staple my vagina shut than let either of these assholes anywhere near it.]

Here's the secret, at this juncture in my life, I kind of suck ass. Why do I suck? Because I'm lazy. Why am I lazy? Because I'm single, I'm in my twenties, and I often surround myself with other lazy people.

[Oh lazy cat, I'd raise my glass to you, but if God wanted me lifting glasses, he wouldn't have invented straws.]

I spend 9 hours in the office and an hour and a half in traffic commuting to and from said office. By the time I make or buy dinner and finally sit down in my place it's been eleven hours. I should finally get around to finishing "Collapse", but it's easier just to lie back, turn on Star Trek TNG, and fantasize about Patrick Stewart until I fall asleep.

[Yes...yes...that will do nicely.]

I need someone who will challenge me. Someone who is a little more disciplined than I. Who, if we institute a "family reading hour" with our kids, like my brother does with his family, will actually stick with it. If you're a flake and I'm a flake, then we'll never accomplish anything of significance. I need someone who pushes me to be better. As it stands now, I barely cover basic cleaning and hygiene when I'm single. My bedroom looks like Anne Frank's house on the day. Why? Because no one has been in my bedroom for a while and in the absence of judgment, basic cleanliness falls off.

[Too far?.]

Furthermore, I want to constantly evolve and challenge myself to learn new things. When my California residency finally kicks in and I'm in med school studying 4-6 hours a day after class, I'm going to need someone knowledgeable enough in other subjects to help expand my horizons. I'm really getting into opera but I won't have the time to take a class, I need someone who can teach me. I need someone who will share great novels with me and who will drag me to gallery openings and teach me a little about art (but do so without being a pretentious ass about it or taking it too seriously).

I love watching football and movies with fart jokes. I really really do. But I also enjoy having spirited, informed debates about politics and taking my mom to the ballet. But when I'm over-worked and stressed out, the more cultural pursuits tend to fall by the wayside. It starts out with choosing TV over books and before you know it I'm at a Larry the Cable Guy DVD signing.

[You stay there, Anglepie, Imma run up to the libary and rent us up some mooovies.]

Someone who treats me well is good. Someone who treats me like a princess makes me lazy and complacent. When one is surrounded by flatterers and yes men, one has a tendency to become Lohan-y or, even worse, John Mayer *shudders*. My desire to be a better person means that my ideal mate would be someone who pushes me to actually realize that abstract goal, even if it can never be fully realized. I need someone who is willing to point out when I'm being an asshole or a lazy sack of crap (but without ever using terms so disrespectful).

We all want someone who respects us, but respecting someone means treating them as an equal, not putting them on a pedestal. Keep in mind, there's a difference between putting someone down and challenging them. It should be a fairly obvious distinction. If you're calling her names, telling her what to do, or constantly criticizing, then you're an emotionally abusive ass and she needs to move on. You need to be in the middle ground. When you love someone you need to respect them and you need to treat them well. Just don't go too far in either direction.

Decent people always want to be better. Mainly a decent girl wants someone who inspires her to be better by striving for excellence himself, by expecting an effort from her, and by treating her like they are on the same level. She does NOT want some douche telling her where to go, when to be home, or some arrogant f--k chastising, condescending, or criticizing. Nor does she want to be treated like she's better than he. What she needs is someone who makes her better without trying. Sorry to say this, but if you want to land a better girl, the best thing you can do is to focus on being a better man.