A few quick tips for picking up chicks

This blog has been focused the last few weeks on keeping a woman, without acknowledging how difficult it can be just to get one in the first place. Lets face it, a lot of guys out there have no game. Many of you try too hard to impress. You need to act like a normal person and stop trying to be what you think we want. This is a first impression, after all, so the smallest mistake can mess things up dramatically.

Language.

Your choice of words early on is a good indicator of how far you'll get. You can say things when you're introducing yourself to a woman that will guarantee that she'll never ever sleep with you. For example, if you use the word 'ladies' when addressing a group of women and:

1.) It's not followed by 'room' or 'and gentleman'

2.) English is not your second language

3.) You're not my high school volleyball coach...

then I am generally going to assume that you will drug and rape me. I don't need a crystal ball to see I'm waking up next to a dumpster with my dress on inside out and a very disconcerting taste in my mouth.

Similar she'll-never-sex-you words and phrases include things like "Chasin that paper", "Hella", and "I watch Entourage".

[Not only will I never sleep with you, I very well may try to cut you].

Clothing.

The way that you dress can speak volumes as well. It's not about the cost of your clothing. It's fit and style.

1.) Your pants should fit. We want to see a little ass (through your pants, not because they're falling off of you), but not Numboya's mystical staff. The fact is, baggy jeans make you look unemployable and too-tight pants indicate that you're either over-sexed or severely undersexed.

[The pants on the left are only okay for Roger Daltrey. And only because he an Liam Neeson were responsible for my sexual awakening]

2.) You should never ever wear graphic tees when you're over the age of 18. I know it works for Jon Gosselin, but...oh God...excuse me...I just threw up in my mouth thinking about the fact that Jon Gosselin has sex [Looks like someone will be starting her drinking a little early this morning].

[Oh God...there's blood in my vomit]

3.) Don't wear jewelry unless you're really really ethnic.

[I'd rather date a guy who steals jewelry from me to pawn it, than one who takes it to wear...also, what self-respecting woman would bang a magician?].

Behavior

1.) Do not EVER send a woman a drink before talking to her. You don't want to start out with a woman feeling like she has to talk to you. That's extortion. You may as well kidnap my dog.

[Sadly my stalker doesn't have Photoshop either].

2.) Don't get too drunk. There's a reason that officer "Sugar Tits" wasn't anglin for what Mel was danglin. You say stupid things when you're drunk. Things like "Hella". Also, you have a greater tendency to cross a boundary, like touching me without permission. Me in a bar filled with drunks is like Ash in Medieval times.

[Now I swear, the next one of you primates even touches me...]

3.) On the other extreme, though, don't overdo it with the sensitivity. We want to know that you have a sensitive side, but not right away. Being a nice guy and being a total vagina are very different creatures. Don't cry talking about your ex (best not to mention her at all) or the puppy you saw at the pound last week. If you do, I will either think that you're lying to me or that you were born a herm and your parents made the wrong choice regarding which gender to raise you. Either way, I'd be more likely to set up a poker game with Joran van der Sloot than let you see me naked.

[He's worried cause he missed his period]

There will be a lot more tips to follow, but I have to get back to the work for which I actually get PAID. So here's a final word of advice: treat us like human beings. Regular, run-of-the-mill people. Just talk to us the way you would anyone else and don't try so f--king hard. Desperation is not an alluring scent.

You must be doing it wrong

This is an excerpt from an email sent in response to the GDLNG posts. You mean people actually read this crap?!

Two girls dumped me because they said I didn't challenge them enough...[Redacted] I challenged all the time and she dumped me because she said I was a dick. I think you're overlooking the fact that most women don't know what they want.

When you say "I challenged" you mean...?

We've already covered coming on too strong too fast, so I assume you are referring to a different kind of challenge. No one likes being told what to do. No one. If you're my partner, then we are to be equals. This is an even balance - no tipping scales here. So someone who tells me what to do, criticizes constantly, or has the audacity to call me a name or talk down to me...he can go f--k himself (clearly he wishes he could). But that doesn't mean I want to be given everything or be in charge all the time. What a woman seeks when she says she wants someone to challenge her is someone who encourages her, treats her as an equal, and most importantly, makes her strive to be better.

[I'd rather douche with Paris Hilton's bath water and staple my vagina shut than let either of these assholes anywhere near it.]

Here's the secret, at this juncture in my life, I kind of suck ass. Why do I suck? Because I'm lazy. Why am I lazy? Because I'm single, I'm in my twenties, and I often surround myself with other lazy people.

[Oh lazy cat, I'd raise my glass to you, but if God wanted me lifting glasses, he wouldn't have invented straws.]

I spend 9 hours in the office and an hour and a half in traffic commuting to and from said office. By the time I make or buy dinner and finally sit down in my place it's been eleven hours. I should finally get around to finishing "Collapse", but it's easier just to lie back, turn on Star Trek TNG, and fantasize about Patrick Stewart until I fall asleep.

[Yes...yes...that will do nicely.]

I need someone who will challenge me. Someone who is a little more disciplined than I. Who, if we institute a "family reading hour" with our kids, like my brother does with his family, will actually stick with it. If you're a flake and I'm a flake, then we'll never accomplish anything of significance. I need someone who pushes me to be better. As it stands now, I barely cover basic cleaning and hygiene when I'm single. My bedroom looks like Anne Frank's house on the day. Why? Because no one has been in my bedroom for a while and in the absence of judgment, basic cleanliness falls off.

[Too far?.]

Furthermore, I want to constantly evolve and challenge myself to learn new things. When my California residency finally kicks in and I'm in med school studying 4-6 hours a day after class, I'm going to need someone knowledgeable enough in other subjects to help expand my horizons. I'm really getting into opera but I won't have the time to take a class, I need someone who can teach me. I need someone who will share great novels with me and who will drag me to gallery openings and teach me a little about art (but do so without being a pretentious ass about it or taking it too seriously).

I love watching football and movies with fart jokes. I really really do. But I also enjoy having spirited, informed debates about politics and taking my mom to the ballet. But when I'm over-worked and stressed out, the more cultural pursuits tend to fall by the wayside. It starts out with choosing TV over books and before you know it I'm at a Larry the Cable Guy DVD signing.

[You stay there, Anglepie, Imma run up to the libary and rent us up some mooovies.]

Someone who treats me well is good. Someone who treats me like a princess makes me lazy and complacent. When one is surrounded by flatterers and yes men, one has a tendency to become Lohan-y or, even worse, John Mayer *shudders*. My desire to be a better person means that my ideal mate would be someone who pushes me to actually realize that abstract goal, even if it can never be fully realized. I need someone who is willing to point out when I'm being an asshole or a lazy sack of crap (but without ever using terms so disrespectful).

We all want someone who respects us, but respecting someone means treating them as an equal, not putting them on a pedestal. Keep in mind, there's a difference between putting someone down and challenging them. It should be a fairly obvious distinction. If you're calling her names, telling her what to do, or constantly criticizing, then you're an emotionally abusive ass and she needs to move on. You need to be in the middle ground. When you love someone you need to respect them and you need to treat them well. Just don't go too far in either direction.

Decent people always want to be better. Mainly a decent girl wants someone who inspires her to be better by striving for excellence himself, by expecting an effort from her, and by treating her like they are on the same level. She does NOT want some douche telling her where to go, when to be home, or some arrogant f--k chastising, condescending, or criticizing. Nor does she want to be treated like she's better than he. What she needs is someone who makes her better without trying. Sorry to say this, but if you want to land a better girl, the best thing you can do is to focus on being a better man.

Bitches be insecure

Even the most amazing girl you’ll ever meet is occasionally a squishy mess on the inside. Here’s a brief look at two areas where that can impact you.

Jealousy

I’ve never been the jealous type, personally. In fact, I once made plans to take a boyfriend to Robert’s Steakhouse for his birthday to combine his love of steak and bare titties. That is, until I realized that no one wants their girlfriend with them at a strip club. But being cool about your looking at other women – strange women – doesn’t mean I never feel threatened. In fact, I once considered starting a facebook group entitled “I was relieved to see that the hot chick writing on your wall has a baby.” Let me try to explain this apparent contradiction.

You wanna have sex with Megan Fox, I wanna be the meat in a Steve Coogan/ Brett Erlich sandwich. Neither of those things is ever going to happen. So who cares? But when you openly discuss your desire to nail the new girl in HR… Now we’ve got a problem. Here’s the distinction: your wanting to have sex with someone who will never touch you is of no consequence to me. Thus, I feel no threat from women you don’t personally know.

[Rose-boy's woman didn't even bat an eyelash at this display]

Wanting to sleep with an attractive coworker who openly has relationships with married men and downs shots at the company Christmas party like she’s auditioning for Rock of Love feels like a legitimate threat, no matter how secure we are. The truth is, this girl is hot and gets to spend all day with you. I already hate her face.

[Outside polite chit-chat. Inner monologue: Imma cut this bitch.]

When we ogle hot chicks on the street together, it doesn’t matter because we’ll never see them again. Get it? That is the line. I will always push myself in moments of doubt to trust you until you give me a reason not to. But I will secretly be threatened by other girls. It’s natural. When you care about someone, you don’t want to lose them. It makes one sensitive. If you don’t respect me enough to refrain from openly discussing wanting to sleep with someone else (who you actually could sleep with), I will start to wonder if you respect me enough to remain faithful. So keep it to yourself.

Sex

Confident sex is good sex. The trouble is that many women today have serious body image issues. I’m not awful looking. In fact, in the right light, with the right make-up, I can pass for fairly hot. But it only takes one drunken photo op to secretly send me into a week-long tizzy about whether or not I have Paris Hilton wonkey eye.

[My guess? One too many donkey punches.]

I have never in my life gone out on a Friday night and not been hit on, yet as far as I’m concerned, my nose is too big, my boobs are too small and 15-20 minutes after eating a milkshake I could swear to God I can actually feel my back jiggle as I walk. We are constantly bombarded with images of women far more attractive than we’ll ever be. Over time it gets to us. As a result, the first time we remove our clothing for you can be really intense. I want the lighting to be perfect. I want expensive lingerie that calls attention to my boobs, butt, and legs, while distracting from my pooch and perceived double wave. Odds are, you’re going to notice the good over the perceived bad, but please watch your reaction. They can sometimes be misinterpreted. If I remove my shirt and you make a facial expression like you’ve just learned the secret of Kuato, my performance likely won’t be my best.

[This photo has been slightly altered to protect my modesty]

When a woman feels good emotionally, she’s free to explore weird and exotic ways to make herself – and her partner – feel good physically. This does not, at all mean you have to stroke our egos all the time. In fact, that can sometimes make things worse. [I know, I know, we are huge pains in the ass. It’s always straddling a line]. When you say something all the time, it loses its meaning. So try to find a good balance. When we’re dressed up, use words like “stunning”, “arresting”, “breathtaking” rather than just “pretty” or “nice”. And every so often, when we look like shit dipped in misery, take that moment to tell us we’re beautiful.

[This is your GF when she first wakes up. Bitch looks like she's gonna throw a cat at you. But until your relationship is a little more established, she's Scarlett fucking Johansson]