Women don't like nice guys? Part II : Know the woman

This is really an extension of the previous post. In your eagerness to express your infatuation with your new lady friend, often times you attempt to woo her with romantic gestures. Again, I've been there. The problem with jumping in too quickly is that you don't really know the person well enough to know how to woo them. We are not all the same and, while flowers and candles may be universal, anything beyond those Valentine clichés can get a little dicey. For example, last year I went on a total of three dates with a young gentleman who seemed very eager to impress me. On our second date, when I asked where we would be going, he responded with "It's a surprise". I'm sure he thought I'd be thrilled, but all that came to mind was 'oh shit'. You see, I was worried that he was trying to pull something off too soon for it to be anything but awkward. It turns out...I was right. His surprise was to take me to a make-your-own-pottery class.

Swing and a miss.








[Still less painful than make-your-own pottery class]




I would never be rude to anyone and deep down I really appreciated the effort that went into this. But is that what he was going for? No. He wanted me to be romanced. In reality, the words coming out of my mouth as I described this date to my friend were brutal:

Oh God, Marie, it was so bad. I don't know what kind of Ghost fantasies he was having with the potter's wheel, but I was not having it. What am I gonna make an imprint of my hand in clay? Write the date on it? Give it to my mom? Cause I already did that when I was seven and didn't have the man-hands of a Disney villain...What shitty high school elective is on the agenda for next date? Rope-climbing maybe? We gonna build a desk set? Or should we just stick with home-ec? Cause, if you feel like doing some sewing, there's a sweatshop in Chinatown that I'm sure wouldn't mind the free day labor. Save you a couple bucks. I mean, it's sweet that he wanted to do something special but...Jesus.

[I was a hand model for the animators...true story].


What can I say? Sometimes women be bitches. I still went on the third date with the guy because I really did like him. I mean, he's clearly a very sweet man, but picking something that wrong just furthered my belief that he was more into the idea of me than the person herself [myself?]. If things were actually progressing at a normal pace, he would be learning about me - who I am and what I do for fun. He would know that I'm not really a craft person and later down the line he could have set up a romantic moonlit walk at the lake, or a rooftop not-sanctioned-by-my-landlord home-cooked dinner - things that would really make my heart start racing.

The truth of the matter is, a lot of girls I know would've squealed with delight at the thought of spending an hour glazing a shitty, uneven pot that will never serve any purpose beyond crapping up their apartment decor. I undoubtedly would've sat there listening as they excitedly described every detail to me over the phone, while I politely nodded and uh-huh'ed and struggled to resist the urge to secretly make a dismissive wanking motion with my hand. But every girl is different. We like different things. That's why taking the time to get to know us before the special romantic surprises is so important. The truth is, we don't need big romantic gestures right off the bat. We just need someone who actually pays attention. Listening is the sexiest thing your can do for a woman. I know. It's a huge pain in the ass. We talk a lot. It's hard for me not to drift off sometimes and I'm the one talking.

[You're not impregnating me with that attitude, pal]

But if you can just remember enough of the little things, you can completely blow us away with minimal effort. When I tell you on our second date that my favorite flower is the Orchid, and you show up to our fifth date with an Orchid arrangement...triple points. I may lick your face.

[This guy gets the support hose droppin]

So keep your ears open and your excitement in check. It's always the thought that counts, but do you really want to put a lot of thought into something, just to see the dismissive wank in her eyes?

Women don't like nice guys? Part I: Reel it in.

The most common mistake nice guys make when wooing a lady is unquestionably their tendency to move too fast. Remember that even those of us women with less-than-appealing outsides still have multiple men fighting to know our feminine wiles. When you make the game too easy for us, it turns us off. This does NOT mean you should be a jerk. We want to be treated well; we just don't want to pick out china patterns a month into the relationship. Beyond denying us the thrill of the chase, there is also the fact that falling too far too soon makes you appear desperate, immature, or straight up crazy. Telling me that you want to move in with me after three dates is like coming back from the bathroom and whispering "I took a lock of your hair when I got up and I'm gonna rub it on my junk tonight while I think about you." Those are equal levels of crazy.

[I always wanted a kitten, but there was something unsettling about Tim's presentation...]

Love is something that takes years to develop. I would wager to say that the divorce rate in this country would be considerably lower if people could better discern between infatuation and love. You can't love someone after a few dates because you don't know them well enough. When you begin a relationship, you're still trying to be the best version of you. If I started out on the first date talking about my propensity towards know-it-allism, the fact that I talk to my dog, or the time in college when I let so many dirty dishes stack up that I had to clean them in my bathtub, I wouldn't get second dates. We all hide our crazy, our sh-ttiest attributes, until we feel that enough of a bond has been established that we're less likely to be rejected. And the fact is: loving someone at their best is easy. It is enduring their worst that is the true definition of love. When you tell me you love me two months in, I'm likely going to assume that you're either too immature to know what real love is, or that three months after we break up I'm going to awaken to find you standing over my bed with tweezers and a collection of my eyelashes. "I was just taking them to apply to the doll I made in your likeness to fill the void," you'd say through your tears.

[I don't remember giving him a key...]

I know how hard it is to hold back when you meet someone you think is really special. In fact, I was just recently dumped for not reeling it in. When the guy I'd gone out with only 5 times found out that I was setting up an evening beach picnic with $80-worth of imported cheeses, an expensive bottle of red, a dozen tea candles, and the petals of two-dozen roses, he dropped my ass like momma dropped Sloth. And rightly so. That sh-t was crazy. When you come on too strong too fast you put a lot of pressure on your partner. When you finally use the "L" word or set up the romantic beach picnic, it's supposed to fill your girl with magical feelings of joy, not the feeling animals get just prior to chewing off a limb to escape a bear trap.

[Don't you like picnics?]

You should never be dismissive or rude to a woman. We do not like assholes. We just like things to progress at a slow, reasonable pace. Get to know me before assuming that you love me. There may be a lot about me that you don't like and you don't want to find that out after a very expensive wedding [Ed. Note: I want doves]. Send a girl flowers after a third date, not a list of names for your future children. Send her a text asking her how her day is. It doesn't have to be either/or - ignoring her or calling her mom on your lunch break. There is a middle ground. It's where mature, mentally-balanced adults hang out [or so I hear]. She wants to fall for you. So relax and let her do it in her own time.

Women don't like nice guys? Intro

Over the past three to four months, seven of my male friends have had failed relationships [Empathetic frownies]. Of those seven, six have expressed - some over the phone, some over beers, some in sad, poorly written Facebook posts - that the reason they can't hold on to a woman is that "women like assholes." Cause being introspective is for pussies, amiright? As a woman, I can assure you that, not only is that not the case, but that disparaging our gender with some whiney, self-indulgent excuse for your problems is not exactly an aphrodisiac [Ed. Note: Think tumbleweeds in our panties...wait...]. A relationship can fail for a myriad of reasons. But if you're constantly on the receiving end of a 'Dear John', the problem might be you [and by 'might', I mean 'certainly is']. And I guaran-f--cking-tee you that it's not because you're 'a nice guy'. So while Laura and Amanda handle your questions and comments, I'm going to be devoting my next several posts to mythbusting this thing once and for all [You know, among the four dudes actually reading this].

Please keep in mind that I'm not doing this from a place of arrogance or social superiority. I am terrible at coming onto men. Scott Peterson would have an easier time getting a date in a lamaze class than I would naked at a Dungeons and Dragons convention. In proof of God's cruel sense of humor, he apparently thought it would be awesome to bestow upon me an absolute disgust for vaginas [Well, other people's vaginas anyway] coupled with a totally-useless-to-me, never-fail ability to pick up women. But, as urban kids might say, I 'flipped the script' on said 'whack' deity and have been using my powers to help male friends convince girls to sleep with them for the better part of 14 years. I'm like that Pick Up Artist guy from VH-1, except I'm not a giant douche and I don't dress like the bastard child of Jamiroquia and a gay, nineteenth-century magician
[Ed. Note: Only in LA could that guy ever see a woman naked without a warrant being issued].

But, if you don't trust me as a wingman, keep in mind, the following posts aren't about getting you laid, that's a horse of a different color. This is about what you're doing wrong in finding and keeping a relationship. I am a woman, vagina and all, and many of my friends share that affliction. So please allow me to offer a little insight into what may be going wrong. Just based on my experiences and those of my lady-friends.

Grooming Tips For Today's Gentleman

When attemping to land a new lady friend (or when attempting to keep an existing lady friend), your appearance will play in important role in your success, whether you like it or not. I am here to give you some helpful tips on how to enhance your visual appeal in order to make it easier for you to score that date or to keep your woman happy.

MULLET

I don't care if your favorite singer is Billy Ray Cyrus or if you happen to own a tractor. Let's just say that if you have a haircut that involves a "party in the back," then a lady will not be keen to have a party on your face. Now, I know you think your ass looks like A.C. Slater, but you're not Mario Lopez (those dimples are like Halley's Comet, they only come around once every 76 years, so keep wishing).

In short, do yourself a favor a get a normal haircut. Your dating life will thank you for it.

FLAVOR SAVER (AKA SOUL PATCH)

The phrase "flavor saver" alone makes me feel like I've been molested by a janitor. You don't need a landing strip that leads to your mouth. I can find your mouth on my own, thankyouverymuch. If you sport one of these face 'dos, there is only a 7% chance you will get laid, but a 100% chance you will look creepy, so shave off your chin pubes. Yes, I'm looking at you, Howie Mandel. PS - your facial hair isn't fooling me into believing you're not bald. Geez.

WEIRD BACKSTREET BOYS-TYPE SKINNY FACIAL HAIR

Yes, I know that is very specific, but take my word for it - you do NOT want a piece of this.

I think that picture says it all. Moving on...


EXTRANEOUS BODY HAIR

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against body hair. I think it's normal for a dude to have body hair and I certainly love me some manly chest hair (see: Pierce Brosnan). In fact, if you're one of those guys who think it's sexy to shave all your body hair, it's not. I don't want to feel like I'm hooking up with Hulk Hogan and his super creepy hot-dog skin. If I wanted to feel a smooth body pressed up against mine, I'd become a lesbian. I hear Melissa Etheridge is available now.

So, clearly it's not the eradication of body hair we want. However, sometimes the amount and/or location of your body hair needs to be kept under control lest it overtake areas it should not. For example: back hair. Just...ugh. A little is normal, but if Jane Goodall moves into your house and tries to "live among you" because she mistakes you for a chimpanzee, then wax it, shave it, whatever. Just keep it under control.

Other areas to watch out for: ears, nose, pubes...you get the picture.

OVER-PLUCKED EYEBROWS

As noted above, we do appreciate your attempts at keeping your body hair sitch in line, but please please please, do not pull a Joey Lawrence. Bitch looks like a sparkly drag queen who forgot her wig.

I mean, you don't want to look like Andy Rooney, but this isn't much better. When it comes to eyebrow maintenance, moderation is key.

GOOD LUCK!

Text from last night...

[Redacted] is being such a f--king b---h. What difference does it make if I go out?

This is a text sent to me by a buddy of mine last night. Important note: Today is their anniversary and they're both taking the day off of work to spend it together.


I hate to admit this because I don't like to bash my own gender, nor do I particularly enjoy perpetuating any stereotypes that make me less attractive to the opposite sex (I'm so lonely), but the truth of the matter is, sometimes, women are irrational.

Case in point: Paper toilet seat covers. Medically speaking, there is almost nothing that you can get from sitting on a toilet seat. Crabs or certain bacterial infections, maybe, but the odds of that happening are akin to your being struck by lightening while being attacked by a shark. And the shark is being raped by a bear. Yet, in the absence of those little paper covers, many women will either hover above the seat - pissing on whatever fate dictates - or will make their own cover out of toilet paper, being careful not to use the first two inches of paper because someone else may have touched it. It doesn't even matter if they know the person who went in before them. I'm at least 70% sure that my mom does not have crabs. Yet I would rather go outside and pee in the bushes behind her condo than sit down with that seat still warm. And that's in a house. A house with a rigid cleaning schedule with which I am familiar. It's not about reputations, folks. Truth be told, Mother Theresa could precede me into a stall and I'd still parkour above that seat like I filled her Valtrex prescription myself. It is completely and utterly irrational.


Irrational worry is what makes women such great mothers and leaders. We think about the crap that you don't. A lot of the time it's actually beneficial, but obviously there are times when it's highly annoying. There are many subtle levels to irrationality and, nine times out of ten, in mentally-balanced women, it's nothing that's really going to affect your happiness together. It will be relegated to things like limiting fish intake to three times a week due to mercury levels, or telling your children that if they go outside without jackets on in 55-degree weather that they're going to catch pneumonia [Ed. Note: They're not]. If it reaches a point at which she is treating you like a child, then there is likely a deeper problem in your relationship that needs addressed and she is dealing with it through passive aggressive nagging. Well...that...or bitch is crazy.

If the worst thing you have to deal with is her asking you not to go out and potentially get hammered the night before spending a romantic day together, then man-up and change your plans. Trust me, pal, it could be a lot worse.

Who we are and what we do

I'm sorry to disappoint any confused Jersey Shore fans (and I have to assume that most of you are often confused and disappointed), but this is not a blog about drunken stereotypes (it's written by them, but not about them) it's a new blog dedicated to helping men to better understand women. Written by women. But not annoying "Dear Abby" women or skanky ex-whores like that chick who writes for The Post. Seriously. They gave a hooker a job at a newspaper. I spend over $100,000 on a degree in Writing, years of toiling in shitty jobs for publications, and why can't I get a decent writing job? Because I've never blown a Governor. Anyway, we'll be covering a range of topics here on TWWoW. If you have a question related to the female sex, you can email us at TWoWladies@gmail.com (yes, we know it's missing a 'W').