Let's talk about SEX: Intro

Why are so many hot girls prudes?

-Anonymous guy

That is a weighty question, my friend.

Female sexuality is a highly complex and personal issue with many factors - religious upbringing, parental role models, childhood experiences, past relationships, etc. - impacting where, when, how, and why a woman will or will not have sex. But this blog isn't about specificity; it's about broad generalizations [get it? BROAD?] that help 70% of the time. So let's dig in.

We live in a strange era. The sexual revolution was supposed to give women equal rights to men, with birth control and abortion leading the charge by allowing us sexual freedom through the removal of the threat of pregnancy destroying our single lives. Unfortunately, it had the side effect of making more acceptable the once-frowned-upon direct marketing of female sexuality. The long tradition of exploiting women as sex objects mingled with the removal of the need for euphemisms and veils, and women's new-found freedom to express their sexuality, culminating in an ultra-sad afterbirth of the feminist movement - the growing number and acceptance of women sexually exploiting themselves for profit. The whoring-yourself-without-actually-whoring gave birth to a predictable conservative backlash at the same time that it was confusing a new generation of women who who seem to think that dry-humping a Buick while being doused in Champagne is somehow expressing their sexuality like a man.

[I wonder why Tupac never did this stuff in a video]

The commercialization of explicit sexuality [I say explicit because sex has always been a marketing tool], specifically by women selling themselves, has muddied the waters and created a kind of polemic amid females in their teens through thirties. There are many of us hanging out in the middle ground - selective in regards to who we allow to touch us, but not particularly susceptible to Bible-thumpers warning that no man will want to go where others have already trekked. Sadly, however, an astonishing number of women out there think that visible thongs, dancing on table tops, and blowing guys in bathroom stalls is empowering, and an equally staggering number, born out of a growing conservativism that sprung up in opposition to an increasingly over-sexualized society, who repress themselves. the one thing these two extremes have in common: they both use their sexuality as currency.

In order to get a girl to go home with you from a bar, you need more than shots of Yager [Not an endorsement of GHB], you need to know which women to look for, which means you need to learn a little more about what sex means to a woman. Lady and gentleman, I believe we've just stumbled upon this week's topic...let's get it on.

Quickies

Today is my day off and I am spending it enjoying Huntington Beach. I’ve been having a sh-tty week so far and am not feeling terribly funny (as evident in the previous post) but I had three new email questions this morning and I don’t want to disappoint the three people reading this [Hi mom!]. None of these required an entire post, so I’m answering them all here:

Was ZZ Top right? Is every girl crazy bout a sharp dressed man?

I know this is just Matt being a smart ass, but I’ll answer nonetheless. Yes. Yes it is.

Though I should point out that the definition of “sharp” is subjective...

I’ve been best friends with the most amazing girl in the world for four years. But she just wants to stay friends. How do I get her to see me as more?

Ooh. That’s rough. I wish I had the answer to that. I met a guy a few weeks ago through adult intramural sports who is AMAZING. I would bathe Kirstie Alley up close and personal – i.e. without rubber gloves or a rag on a stick – for the chance to feel his lips pressed against mine just once.

[I stand by my statement...and also vomit in my mouth a little]

But, unfortunately for me, he ‘say she just a friend’ [Unrequited crush frownies]. The sad fact is we have no control over who does, or in our cases, does not find us attractive in a romantic/sexual sense. If you’ve been spending time with this girl for four years, she obviously has a lot of redeeming qualities and you shouldn’t shut her out of your life. But it looks like you’re just going to have to be satisfied with having her in your life in a platonic capacity and look elsewhere for romance. Past experience precludes me from asserting that she’ll never come around, but you can’t pin your hopes and dreams on a ‘maybe someday’ situation. Date other people to take your mind off of her until you find someone who’s as into you as you are her [That’s why I’m going out with a 35-year-old southern stereotype on Friday]. And until then, hang out with me in the friendzone. I’ll bring some whiskey.

[With a name that rhymes with “endzone”, you’d think it’d be a happy place. Also, is it an indicator of a sort of social regionalism that I assume that anyone with a thick southern drawl is fan of hate-crimin'?]

Why do you hate Entourage so much?

Because it’s a predictable, formulaic, just generally poorly written, unfunny, circlejerk with one-dimensional characters played by mercilessly douchey actors (though I admit to liking the Piv in other things) that degrades and exploits the female players in a pathetic attempt to appeal to some ridiculous adolescent (sometimes even pre-pubescent) male fantasy. In the opinion of most self-respecting women, admitting to liking this steaming pile of sh-t is an indicator, not only of terrible taste in television, but a person who is, at best, easily entertained and at worst, still has the mind and relationship skills/goals of a high schooler. Truth be told, if I meet an amazing guy who mysteriously likes this diarrhea, I’m not going to stop seeing him or anything. It’s not that strong a hatred. I just rarely find myself attracted to the kinds of guys who watch it.

Also, Kevin Dillon looks like Matt Dillon’s real-life Cubert Farnsworth:

“Why's his nose different than yours?"

"I left him in his first test tube too long and he got all mushed up against the side…"

Well that’s it, loyal triumvirate of readers. Two unfunny posts in one day. Now if you’ll excuse me, my underboob won’t tan itself…well I guess it will, kinda, but not unless I go back outside.

More on lowering standards

I don’t know that the following necessarily fall under the umbrella of ‘lowering one’s standards’, but I felt they were important tips to keep in mind when trying to find the right girl.

I. Don’t jump to conclusions about a woman.

Don’t let one comment made by or about a girl you want to get to know stop you from doing so. Other peoples’ perceptions of a person can sometimes be monstrously wrong, and an off-the-cuff joke or comment can be interpreted in way completely opposite of the intended meaning. Like when that blonde guy in my office labeled me a racist because I said that Oscar Nuñez from The Office sorta looks like Macho Comacho.

[Tell me you don’t see a resemblance! What’s that? You don’t? *sigh* back to sensitivity training for me…]

When you don’t know someone, you really can’t base an assessment of who they are as a person on one comment or incident. Also, it never hurts to look past what others see as their opinions may be just as skewed as yours.

II. Sometimes it’s not her fault.

Sometimes your crazy ass makes her act crazy. I was once subjected to a 16-hour date with a guy I barely knew. During the course of this entire day he only spoke when spoken to. Right, cause that’s normal. Not being aware of his social ineptitudes prior to this experience, I assumed he was bored and proceeded to nervously talk the entire day. That’s right. The ole’ verbal diarrhea.

[Kinda like that, but worse]

Poor thing had to take a nap just to get a break from my incessant yapping. I’m not like that ordinarily, but motherf---er wasn’t adding anything to the conversation and the awkwardness was palpable. As Sinatra once said “when you go out, it shouldn’t be a staring contest.” The point of the story is, sometimes you’re as much to blame for sh-tty dates as the girl ruining it.

III. Sometimes she’s not herself.

I have gotten a reputation of late for being brutal with dumpings. You know how they say ‘when it’s right, you just know’? Well that goes double for when it’s wrong. That being said, I always always give second chances after break-ups and, no matter how awful a first date may be, I will always go on a second date.* Why do I do this? Because I know what it’s like to have an off-day ruin your chances with someone special. When my fiancé and I broke up I was destroyed. I didn’t go on a date again for two years. I did however see an old college friend when he came to town. It wasn’t a date – we were joined by my friend Melissa – but it was a chance at reconnecting with someone I had a MAJOR crush on before I started dating my fiancé. The only problem was, it came two months after my ex left. I was depressed, I was alone, and thanks to an illness that required a prescription steroid, I was about 40 lbs heavier. I was so nervous that I started drinking before he even arrived. I broke three things that night – two martini glasses and a four-year friendship. I can’t describe what a mess I was that night. You remember drunk girl from SNL? Yeah, kind of like that, but without the flashings and promiscuity.

[The resemblance is uncanny, both physically and behaviorally]

In his eyes, I have never recovered from that night. We still chat on occasion, but it has become painfully clear that that one single evening completely changed how he saw me and undid four years of good standing. I’m not the girl I was that night by any stretch of the imagination, there were an exorbitant number of extenuating circumstances, but the sad truth is that, with most men, bad impressions are nearly impossible to recover from. After that, I resolved to give everyone second chances. Everyone has off nights. A date can be as short as a dinner. So give her a second chance. What’s another 45 minutes?

*Exceptions: incidents of rape, physical assault, verbal abuse and any other obvious sh-t I shouldn’t have to list.

Beauty is a short-lived tyranny

[You think this picture's scary? This bitch is 40. Beauty fades, my friends...hard]

Everyone knows that physical attraction is important in a relationship but, truth be told, who a person is can make them physically attractive even if they may lack aesthetic appeal. If I could find a smart, funny man who respects me and has similar life goals, he could look like Jabba mated with the Rancor and I’d still be all over him like a Hilton on an 8 ball.

Most women I know feel the same way. Most men I know, however, tend to struggle with this. So many of my buddies have completely ridiculous standards for what their girl should look like. And if it’s just a one-nighter or a 6 month fling, then fine, go for the Playmate, but if you want to build a life with someone you should, more often than not, go with pretty over hot.

[Truly amazing rack, but do you wanna have to talk to this whack job post-motorboat?]

When you grow up looking like Megan Fox during your formative years, it rarely lends itself to your being interesting, smart, or funny. You don't have to be. You don't even have to be a good person. Megan Fox could be a seal-clubbing, neo-nazi, baby rapist and nearly every man I know would still kill to have sex with her. Even if afterwards they had to have sex with Donatella Versace. And Donatella's vag was filled with rusted barbed wire, bear traps, and agitated badgers.

[I'm told it is, actually. But that's just rumor. My money's on dust and unhappiness.]

If super hot girls also had super hot minds, senses of humor, and personalities, the rest of womanhood would never get laid. Generally, in oder to compete with super hot bitches, the rest of us had to work on developing decent personalities and social skills. We have other things to offer that they lack. It’s what my friends and I call ‘average chick justice’. In addition, not spending a lifetime having everything you want handed to you without merit tends to make one a more nurturing and selfless mate.

Initial attraction is physical, but if you're looking for something longer lasting, you need to accept some physical flaws because real relationships are based on more than just sex. And honestly, Anon, everyone is pretty when the lights go out.

[Hey, 50 % of this girls eyes are totally normal. I’m just sayin.]

Hmmm, I'm coming off like a bitter Susan-Boyle-esque spinster lady in this one, yelling that pretty girls are what’s wrong with the world while stroking my hairy beer gut and preparing D’Artagnan dog for our late-night Buffy marathon.

[D’Artagnan dog is definitely team Riley…he loves a man in uniform]

To be clear, that's not what I'm saying. I’m not trying to tell you to date mutants, that won’t work either as you have to have some spark. I’m just saying that if you’re looking for a girl who looks like Bar Refaeli, makes you laugh like Louis CK, and can hold a conversation like a Rhodes Scholar, then you’re going to be looking for a long, long time.

I'm back, baby

After two weeks off for a visiting Briton and a drunken holiday extravaganza, I found our email box flooded with two messages! One of which was even a question pertaining to the subject matter of this blog! Lets dive in. This week's question comes from a man who didn't want his name used. So we'll call him Anon E. Mous. Not to be confused with his cousin Don E. Most.

[What's that? No one reading this is old enough to get this reference? Fuck you. Maybe I think you watch too much TV Land]

Anyway Anon writes the following:

My main problem in finding a girl is that I can't find anyone I really want to be with for more than a few hours. An attractive, sane, fun girl who likes all the same stuff I do.

Welcome to dating, dude. The whole point is to meet as many people as possible until you find that one that you can actually put up with for the long haul. That being said, I think it couldn't hurt to talk about realistic standards. I have a hunch you may be too harsh a judge.

When I was in high school, I dreamt of someday marrying an attractive, independently wealthy Ph.D. and part-time comedian who was half-Irish, half-Italian, and raised in the UK so he'd have their dry wit. Oh, and he wouldn't mind being a stay-at-home dad so I could fulfill my dreams of becoming a doctor. These types of expectations may be why I didn't get a prom date (well, that or the acne, beer gut, and social leprosy...it's a toss up).

My standards today at 26?

1. Born a man

2. Not crazy

3. Literate

4. Not a fan of Entourage or Spike TV

5. Theoretically Employable

So why have my requirements for a mate dropped off so sharply in the last decade? Is it cynicism? Crushing loneliness? The realization that I'm no picnic?

No. Just recognition of the fact that no one is perfect, that few of us can actually find someone who perfectly fits our romantic ideal, and the fact that I don't want to end up a middle-aged woman who enters her cat in feline fashion shows.

[I wonder if there were any women in attendance who did not have eggs frozen]

No one wants to have to settle, but everyone has to make certain concessions. The major things that you need to be happy have to be there - i.e. you have to agree on children, financial and career goals, where to live etc. - but let go of some of the smaller things. A lot of you out there just need to come to terms with this and lower your standards a little.

[So she opens ketchup bottles with her teeth. It's an IHOP for Christ's sake, not Morton's]

That will be our focus this week on TWWOW, realistic standards. Get ready, reader, this is gonna be a 3-fer.