Bitches be insecure

Even the most amazing girl you’ll ever meet is occasionally a squishy mess on the inside. Here’s a brief look at two areas where that can impact you.

Jealousy

I’ve never been the jealous type, personally. In fact, I once made plans to take a boyfriend to Robert’s Steakhouse for his birthday to combine his love of steak and bare titties. That is, until I realized that no one wants their girlfriend with them at a strip club. But being cool about your looking at other women – strange women – doesn’t mean I never feel threatened. In fact, I once considered starting a facebook group entitled “I was relieved to see that the hot chick writing on your wall has a baby.” Let me try to explain this apparent contradiction.

You wanna have sex with Megan Fox, I wanna be the meat in a Steve Coogan/ Brett Erlich sandwich. Neither of those things is ever going to happen. So who cares? But when you openly discuss your desire to nail the new girl in HR… Now we’ve got a problem. Here’s the distinction: your wanting to have sex with someone who will never touch you is of no consequence to me. Thus, I feel no threat from women you don’t personally know.

[Rose-boy's woman didn't even bat an eyelash at this display]

Wanting to sleep with an attractive coworker who openly has relationships with married men and downs shots at the company Christmas party like she’s auditioning for Rock of Love feels like a legitimate threat, no matter how secure we are. The truth is, this girl is hot and gets to spend all day with you. I already hate her face.

[Outside polite chit-chat. Inner monologue: Imma cut this bitch.]

When we ogle hot chicks on the street together, it doesn’t matter because we’ll never see them again. Get it? That is the line. I will always push myself in moments of doubt to trust you until you give me a reason not to. But I will secretly be threatened by other girls. It’s natural. When you care about someone, you don’t want to lose them. It makes one sensitive. If you don’t respect me enough to refrain from openly discussing wanting to sleep with someone else (who you actually could sleep with), I will start to wonder if you respect me enough to remain faithful. So keep it to yourself.

Sex

Confident sex is good sex. The trouble is that many women today have serious body image issues. I’m not awful looking. In fact, in the right light, with the right make-up, I can pass for fairly hot. But it only takes one drunken photo op to secretly send me into a week-long tizzy about whether or not I have Paris Hilton wonkey eye.

[My guess? One too many donkey punches.]

I have never in my life gone out on a Friday night and not been hit on, yet as far as I’m concerned, my nose is too big, my boobs are too small and 15-20 minutes after eating a milkshake I could swear to God I can actually feel my back jiggle as I walk. We are constantly bombarded with images of women far more attractive than we’ll ever be. Over time it gets to us. As a result, the first time we remove our clothing for you can be really intense. I want the lighting to be perfect. I want expensive lingerie that calls attention to my boobs, butt, and legs, while distracting from my pooch and perceived double wave. Odds are, you’re going to notice the good over the perceived bad, but please watch your reaction. They can sometimes be misinterpreted. If I remove my shirt and you make a facial expression like you’ve just learned the secret of Kuato, my performance likely won’t be my best.

[This photo has been slightly altered to protect my modesty]

When a woman feels good emotionally, she’s free to explore weird and exotic ways to make herself – and her partner – feel good physically. This does not, at all mean you have to stroke our egos all the time. In fact, that can sometimes make things worse. [I know, I know, we are huge pains in the ass. It’s always straddling a line]. When you say something all the time, it loses its meaning. So try to find a good balance. When we’re dressed up, use words like “stunning”, “arresting”, “breathtaking” rather than just “pretty” or “nice”. And every so often, when we look like shit dipped in misery, take that moment to tell us we’re beautiful.

[This is your GF when she first wakes up. Bitch looks like she's gonna throw a cat at you. But until your relationship is a little more established, she's Scarlett fucking Johansson]