Beauty is a short-lived tyranny

[You think this picture's scary? This bitch is 40. Beauty fades, my friends...hard]

Everyone knows that physical attraction is important in a relationship but, truth be told, who a person is can make them physically attractive even if they may lack aesthetic appeal. If I could find a smart, funny man who respects me and has similar life goals, he could look like Jabba mated with the Rancor and I’d still be all over him like a Hilton on an 8 ball.

Most women I know feel the same way. Most men I know, however, tend to struggle with this. So many of my buddies have completely ridiculous standards for what their girl should look like. And if it’s just a one-nighter or a 6 month fling, then fine, go for the Playmate, but if you want to build a life with someone you should, more often than not, go with pretty over hot.

[Truly amazing rack, but do you wanna have to talk to this whack job post-motorboat?]

When you grow up looking like Megan Fox during your formative years, it rarely lends itself to your being interesting, smart, or funny. You don't have to be. You don't even have to be a good person. Megan Fox could be a seal-clubbing, neo-nazi, baby rapist and nearly every man I know would still kill to have sex with her. Even if afterwards they had to have sex with Donatella Versace. And Donatella's vag was filled with rusted barbed wire, bear traps, and agitated badgers.

[I'm told it is, actually. But that's just rumor. My money's on dust and unhappiness.]

If super hot girls also had super hot minds, senses of humor, and personalities, the rest of womanhood would never get laid. Generally, in oder to compete with super hot bitches, the rest of us had to work on developing decent personalities and social skills. We have other things to offer that they lack. It’s what my friends and I call ‘average chick justice’. In addition, not spending a lifetime having everything you want handed to you without merit tends to make one a more nurturing and selfless mate.

Initial attraction is physical, but if you're looking for something longer lasting, you need to accept some physical flaws because real relationships are based on more than just sex. And honestly, Anon, everyone is pretty when the lights go out.

[Hey, 50 % of this girls eyes are totally normal. I’m just sayin.]

Hmmm, I'm coming off like a bitter Susan-Boyle-esque spinster lady in this one, yelling that pretty girls are what’s wrong with the world while stroking my hairy beer gut and preparing D’Artagnan dog for our late-night Buffy marathon.

[D’Artagnan dog is definitely team Riley…he loves a man in uniform]

To be clear, that's not what I'm saying. I’m not trying to tell you to date mutants, that won’t work either as you have to have some spark. I’m just saying that if you’re looking for a girl who looks like Bar Refaeli, makes you laugh like Louis CK, and can hold a conversation like a Rhodes Scholar, then you’re going to be looking for a long, long time.