Let's talk about sex: We're still talking about this?

I was raised in a Catholic home by a feminist. Suffice it to say, I am conflicted. My personal sexual neuroses are likely entirely my own and as such, the following few paragraphs may only be of real help if you were trying to sleep with me (giggity). However, being a narcissist, I tend to assume that everyone thinks as I do so I'm going to give you my personal perspective anyway. Hopefully it helps.

[What? I'm a narcissist, not a liar]

As far as I'm concerned, the concept of waiting for marriage is inexorably tied to the concept of women as objects. HOWEVER, that is not to say that intelligent, thoughtful people can’t wait. If that is their choice, more power to them. So long as it is not something that they are indoctrinated to do or forced into based on out-dated and incredibly sexist religious dogma/social standards. Many people I know choose to wait to form sexual relationships until they are married. Many more choose to wait until they are in love. Asserting your equality and making a charge for feminism doesn’t mean one has to open her legs for every guy who catches her fancy (not that I’m judging if she does). Waiting until you love someone does generally equate to better sex. When the intimacy shared between two people goes beyond the physical, there is a deep sense of trust there that allows for a judgment-free (and as such, much more experimental and exciting) environment.

Personally, though love may not be a factor yet, I find a lot of benefits to waiting. Ultimately there are four major factors which generally preclude me from sleeping with strangers:

1. A sense of not wanting to be a notch on anyone’s bed post. This is, admittedly, a flawed perspective originating in a hyper-conservative Catholic upbringing that prevents me from even considering that I take the power to make one a notch on mine.

2. Steadily rising STD rates. If rates continue, by the time I’m 40 around half the US population is going to have herpes. I would prefer to remain in the 50% without oozing genital sores.

3. "If you can't do something right..." One night stands are simply not worth the risk. Sex is better with practice, you need to learn what your partner does and doesn't like and each partner is different. The stench of too much beer pressed against me as a stranger struggles to excite nerves that have been numbed by binge drinking is not an erotic picture.

4.Emotion. Just because I’m somewhat commitment phobic doesn’t mean I don’t develop feelings. Though I may shudder at the thought of a long-term romantic commitment, I would prefer to, at minimum, have my lover remain my friend.

Using sex as an ice breaker may give your hands a rest but, much of the time, it is volatile for your heart. There are many women out there who have no problem separating sex from emotion. Good for them. The majority of women I know, however,feel remarkably different. No matter how much they tell themselves that it won’t mean anything, it almost always does. To any men reading this and rolling your eyes. Don’t. It’s your male ancestors' fault. Chalk this one up to centuries of opression. While you had your concubines, we had armored underpants. As such, it is harder for many women to embrace the free-love concept, no matter how badly we seek to equalize the gender playing field. If you're really pissed off, then the next time you go home to visit, kick your grandpa in the nuts.

[Not too hard, he's a veteran]

Beyond emotional health, waiting a while is beneficial if you are looking for a relationship. As far as I'm concerned, a woman trying to lure a man into a relationship by dropping her panties is just as much a road to catastrophe as coaxing him into a relationship by withholding sex. Jumping into bed with someone right away can seriously impact how a relationship develops.

Generally speaking, the first phase in a relationship is supposed to be the period in which you are getting to know one another – however superficially. It is the time to determine whether or not you are attracted to more than just your partner’s appearance. You’re learning the details of your would-be lover’s life, both past and present, and gaining a basic understanding of who they are. Then comes the rampant, contortionist, animal sex - the period in which you become seemingly incapable of keeping your hands off of each other. When you finally leave the bedroom, you transition into the next phase – the period in which you get to know one another more deeply. You finally see the bad with the good and you build on what you learned at the beginning of the relationship – discover what was pretense and what was genuine – and begin to form a stronger bond. When you skip that first phase, you will have nothing to build upon for the third. You’ve spent however long doing unmentionable things to one another’s unmentionables, and now you’re left with the morning after. And, unfortunately, more often than not, that sunlight reveals a lot that you don’t like.

[It's the morning after that doesn't end]

Basically, not wanting to be a punchline for some skeezy douchebag or have the genitalia of a 1940s Guatemalan psych patient (that wasn't racist it was topical: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2010/10/01/government-apologizes-s-std-testing-guatemalans/?test=latestnews ) keeps me from going home with guys from the bar. Wanting my romantic relationships to be based on more than just orgasms means it won't be going down on our first date. I can't say for sure which of the many reasons discussed in the last two weeks is preventing that green-eyed brunette with the perfect rack from making hot monkey love with you after 6 shots of tequila

[Yeesh. Nausea, maybe?]

but hopefully this week's series has given you a little insight as to what sex means to (some) girls. And to the loyal female reader: if you have anything to add, I'd love to hear it.Our next few posts will be transitioning back to reader mail, but for now, I'm out. This is cutting into my *ahem* alone time.