Don't be Tarvaris Jackson. Tarvaris Jackson doesn't want to be Tarvaris Jackson.

So many of my guy friends (and even more of my girlfriends) have dealt with the following kind of situation, so I feel I need to address it publicly this time. My friend Andy and his girlfriend of 4 years broke up. Why? Because she met someone else she wants to go out with, or as Andy would tell it, “she wants to f*ck a better-looking, older guy with more money than me.” She still texts Andy though, still sends him messages on facebook, and occasionally calls (mostly drunk dials) under the guise that she ‘wants to be friends’. Spoiler alert: she doesn’t. Andy, baby, I’m sorry but…you’re Tarvaris Jackson.

You’re Tarvaris Jackson, he’s Brett Favre. He’s better looking, older, and more popular. He’s been in the game longer and can give her a sense of excitement and boost her status. That being said, he doesn’t play the game the way she’s accustomed to and, being the “new” guy, he does not come with the assumed loyalty and security she has from years with you. You’ve been with her since the 2006 draft and she needs that sense of security. If something goes wrong and Favre needs to be taken off the field (albeit while simultaneously pretending to object to the benching and talking up his woeful injury)

[Oh, how I wish I didn’t have to stop playing just because of this HORRIBLE, UNGODLY PAIN. I will just push through, because I am…the Favre]

or if, God forbid, he were to trade to a new team or finally retire, she still has you – ever loyal, patiently waiting on the bench for your turn to get on the field.

But here’s the thing: do you want to be Tarvaris Jackson?

[Awww. Someone needs a cuddle.]

This woman dumped you after years together so that she could f*ck a better-looking man. Have some self-respect, dude. Would you really want to go back to that? And, if by chance, it doesn’t work out with the other guy (and I assure you she’s still contacting you precisely because of that concern), do you really want the bastardized version of your relationship that will follow? It’s like when you wake up in the middle of a great dream and, while starting to fall back to sleep, you attempt to re-dream it. But it ends up some weird, mutant version of the original dream and for some reason Kirk Douglas and his butler are there throwing butter at your naked ass.

[Just me?]

You can’t push rewind on life. The sense of trust and security on your side of the relationship is broken and it’s not easy to get that back. This woman is unbelievably selfish. She wants the best of both worlds. She gets to embark on a new, exciting relationship and regularly have sex with her new man and, if something goes wrong, she has your weak, pathetic ass sitting at home ready to take her back at the drop of a hat.

Maybe if you had gotten together in high school or something and needed time to find yourselves, but you’re adults and she specifically left you for someone else. Relationships that succeed after break-ups only do so after a great deal of time has passed for self-reflection, and a tremendous amount of effort has gone into resolving those issues that caused it to fail. Issues beyond, ‘she’s a selfish trick who wants to bone someone else without losing you’. From what you’re telling me, this is nothing more than a sanctioned affair. You’re willing to watch as she runs off and repeatedly climbs atop another man so long as, ultimately, she comes home to you.

Wow.

[*to. I feel bad writing that. Misspellings will only add to his self-esteem issues.]

This chick is playing you, and will likely continue to do so until you man up, block the number and click ‘unfriend’. You can’t be friends with an ex immediately following the breakup – especially if you’re not the one who initiated it. If she had any concern for you at all she’d leave you alone. If you end up ignoring this advice and getting back with this girl, be prepared. Because it’s only a matter of time until something better comes along and then you’re back on the sidelines. The bottom line is: this woman doesn’t think you’re good enough. In the end, you’re just a place-holder until the real starter comes along. You deserve better than that. So deal with the pain like an adult and move on. Find someone who thinks you’re the star. I won’t pretend it will be easy. But the right thing never is.