Women don't like nice guys? Part II : Know the woman

This is really an extension of the previous post. In your eagerness to express your infatuation with your new lady friend, often times you attempt to woo her with romantic gestures. Again, I've been there. The problem with jumping in too quickly is that you don't really know the person well enough to know how to woo them. We are not all the same and, while flowers and candles may be universal, anything beyond those Valentine clichés can get a little dicey. For example, last year I went on a total of three dates with a young gentleman who seemed very eager to impress me. On our second date, when I asked where we would be going, he responded with "It's a surprise". I'm sure he thought I'd be thrilled, but all that came to mind was 'oh shit'. You see, I was worried that he was trying to pull something off too soon for it to be anything but awkward. It turns out...I was right. His surprise was to take me to a make-your-own-pottery class.

Swing and a miss.








[Still less painful than make-your-own pottery class]




I would never be rude to anyone and deep down I really appreciated the effort that went into this. But is that what he was going for? No. He wanted me to be romanced. In reality, the words coming out of my mouth as I described this date to my friend were brutal:

Oh God, Marie, it was so bad. I don't know what kind of Ghost fantasies he was having with the potter's wheel, but I was not having it. What am I gonna make an imprint of my hand in clay? Write the date on it? Give it to my mom? Cause I already did that when I was seven and didn't have the man-hands of a Disney villain...What shitty high school elective is on the agenda for next date? Rope-climbing maybe? We gonna build a desk set? Or should we just stick with home-ec? Cause, if you feel like doing some sewing, there's a sweatshop in Chinatown that I'm sure wouldn't mind the free day labor. Save you a couple bucks. I mean, it's sweet that he wanted to do something special but...Jesus.

[I was a hand model for the animators...true story].


What can I say? Sometimes women be bitches. I still went on the third date with the guy because I really did like him. I mean, he's clearly a very sweet man, but picking something that wrong just furthered my belief that he was more into the idea of me than the person herself [myself?]. If things were actually progressing at a normal pace, he would be learning about me - who I am and what I do for fun. He would know that I'm not really a craft person and later down the line he could have set up a romantic moonlit walk at the lake, or a rooftop not-sanctioned-by-my-landlord home-cooked dinner - things that would really make my heart start racing.

The truth of the matter is, a lot of girls I know would've squealed with delight at the thought of spending an hour glazing a shitty, uneven pot that will never serve any purpose beyond crapping up their apartment decor. I undoubtedly would've sat there listening as they excitedly described every detail to me over the phone, while I politely nodded and uh-huh'ed and struggled to resist the urge to secretly make a dismissive wanking motion with my hand. But every girl is different. We like different things. That's why taking the time to get to know us before the special romantic surprises is so important. The truth is, we don't need big romantic gestures right off the bat. We just need someone who actually pays attention. Listening is the sexiest thing your can do for a woman. I know. It's a huge pain in the ass. We talk a lot. It's hard for me not to drift off sometimes and I'm the one talking.

[You're not impregnating me with that attitude, pal]

But if you can just remember enough of the little things, you can completely blow us away with minimal effort. When I tell you on our second date that my favorite flower is the Orchid, and you show up to our fifth date with an Orchid arrangement...triple points. I may lick your face.

[This guy gets the support hose droppin]

So keep your ears open and your excitement in check. It's always the thought that counts, but do you really want to put a lot of thought into something, just to see the dismissive wank in her eyes?