A few quick tips for picking up chicks

This blog has been focused the last few weeks on keeping a woman, without acknowledging how difficult it can be just to get one in the first place. Lets face it, a lot of guys out there have no game. Many of you try too hard to impress. You need to act like a normal person and stop trying to be what you think we want. This is a first impression, after all, so the smallest mistake can mess things up dramatically.

Language.

Your choice of words early on is a good indicator of how far you'll get. You can say things when you're introducing yourself to a woman that will guarantee that she'll never ever sleep with you. For example, if you use the word 'ladies' when addressing a group of women and:

1.) It's not followed by 'room' or 'and gentleman'

2.) English is not your second language

3.) You're not my high school volleyball coach...

then I am generally going to assume that you will drug and rape me. I don't need a crystal ball to see I'm waking up next to a dumpster with my dress on inside out and a very disconcerting taste in my mouth.

Similar she'll-never-sex-you words and phrases include things like "Chasin that paper", "Hella", and "I watch Entourage".

[Not only will I never sleep with you, I very well may try to cut you].

Clothing.

The way that you dress can speak volumes as well. It's not about the cost of your clothing. It's fit and style.

1.) Your pants should fit. We want to see a little ass (through your pants, not because they're falling off of you), but not Numboya's mystical staff. The fact is, baggy jeans make you look unemployable and too-tight pants indicate that you're either over-sexed or severely undersexed.

[The pants on the left are only okay for Roger Daltrey. And only because he an Liam Neeson were responsible for my sexual awakening]

2.) You should never ever wear graphic tees when you're over the age of 18. I know it works for Jon Gosselin, but...oh God...excuse me...I just threw up in my mouth thinking about the fact that Jon Gosselin has sex [Looks like someone will be starting her drinking a little early this morning].

[Oh God...there's blood in my vomit]

3.) Don't wear jewelry unless you're really really ethnic.

[I'd rather date a guy who steals jewelry from me to pawn it, than one who takes it to wear...also, what self-respecting woman would bang a magician?].

Behavior

1.) Do not EVER send a woman a drink before talking to her. You don't want to start out with a woman feeling like she has to talk to you. That's extortion. You may as well kidnap my dog.

[Sadly my stalker doesn't have Photoshop either].

2.) Don't get too drunk. There's a reason that officer "Sugar Tits" wasn't anglin for what Mel was danglin. You say stupid things when you're drunk. Things like "Hella". Also, you have a greater tendency to cross a boundary, like touching me without permission. Me in a bar filled with drunks is like Ash in Medieval times.

[Now I swear, the next one of you primates even touches me...]

3.) On the other extreme, though, don't overdo it with the sensitivity. We want to know that you have a sensitive side, but not right away. Being a nice guy and being a total vagina are very different creatures. Don't cry talking about your ex (best not to mention her at all) or the puppy you saw at the pound last week. If you do, I will either think that you're lying to me or that you were born a herm and your parents made the wrong choice regarding which gender to raise you. Either way, I'd be more likely to set up a poker game with Joran van der Sloot than let you see me naked.

[He's worried cause he missed his period]

There will be a lot more tips to follow, but I have to get back to the work for which I actually get PAID. So here's a final word of advice: treat us like human beings. Regular, run-of-the-mill people. Just talk to us the way you would anyone else and don't try so f--king hard. Desperation is not an alluring scent.