Text from last night...

[Redacted] is being such a f--king b---h. What difference does it make if I go out?

This is a text sent to me by a buddy of mine last night. Important note: Today is their anniversary and they're both taking the day off of work to spend it together.


I hate to admit this because I don't like to bash my own gender, nor do I particularly enjoy perpetuating any stereotypes that make me less attractive to the opposite sex (I'm so lonely), but the truth of the matter is, sometimes, women are irrational.

Case in point: Paper toilet seat covers. Medically speaking, there is almost nothing that you can get from sitting on a toilet seat. Crabs or certain bacterial infections, maybe, but the odds of that happening are akin to your being struck by lightening while being attacked by a shark. And the shark is being raped by a bear. Yet, in the absence of those little paper covers, many women will either hover above the seat - pissing on whatever fate dictates - or will make their own cover out of toilet paper, being careful not to use the first two inches of paper because someone else may have touched it. It doesn't even matter if they know the person who went in before them. I'm at least 70% sure that my mom does not have crabs. Yet I would rather go outside and pee in the bushes behind her condo than sit down with that seat still warm. And that's in a house. A house with a rigid cleaning schedule with which I am familiar. It's not about reputations, folks. Truth be told, Mother Theresa could precede me into a stall and I'd still parkour above that seat like I filled her Valtrex prescription myself. It is completely and utterly irrational.


Irrational worry is what makes women such great mothers and leaders. We think about the crap that you don't. A lot of the time it's actually beneficial, but obviously there are times when it's highly annoying. There are many subtle levels to irrationality and, nine times out of ten, in mentally-balanced women, it's nothing that's really going to affect your happiness together. It will be relegated to things like limiting fish intake to three times a week due to mercury levels, or telling your children that if they go outside without jackets on in 55-degree weather that they're going to catch pneumonia [Ed. Note: They're not]. If it reaches a point at which she is treating you like a child, then there is likely a deeper problem in your relationship that needs addressed and she is dealing with it through passive aggressive nagging. Well...that...or bitch is crazy.

If the worst thing you have to deal with is her asking you not to go out and potentially get hammered the night before spending a romantic day together, then man-up and change your plans. Trust me, pal, it could be a lot worse.