Women don't like nice guys? Part I: Reel it in.

The most common mistake nice guys make when wooing a lady is unquestionably their tendency to move too fast. Remember that even those of us women with less-than-appealing outsides still have multiple men fighting to know our feminine wiles. When you make the game too easy for us, it turns us off. This does NOT mean you should be a jerk. We want to be treated well; we just don't want to pick out china patterns a month into the relationship. Beyond denying us the thrill of the chase, there is also the fact that falling too far too soon makes you appear desperate, immature, or straight up crazy. Telling me that you want to move in with me after three dates is like coming back from the bathroom and whispering "I took a lock of your hair when I got up and I'm gonna rub it on my junk tonight while I think about you." Those are equal levels of crazy.

[I always wanted a kitten, but there was something unsettling about Tim's presentation...]

Love is something that takes years to develop. I would wager to say that the divorce rate in this country would be considerably lower if people could better discern between infatuation and love. You can't love someone after a few dates because you don't know them well enough. When you begin a relationship, you're still trying to be the best version of you. If I started out on the first date talking about my propensity towards know-it-allism, the fact that I talk to my dog, or the time in college when I let so many dirty dishes stack up that I had to clean them in my bathtub, I wouldn't get second dates. We all hide our crazy, our sh-ttiest attributes, until we feel that enough of a bond has been established that we're less likely to be rejected. And the fact is: loving someone at their best is easy. It is enduring their worst that is the true definition of love. When you tell me you love me two months in, I'm likely going to assume that you're either too immature to know what real love is, or that three months after we break up I'm going to awaken to find you standing over my bed with tweezers and a collection of my eyelashes. "I was just taking them to apply to the doll I made in your likeness to fill the void," you'd say through your tears.

[I don't remember giving him a key...]

I know how hard it is to hold back when you meet someone you think is really special. In fact, I was just recently dumped for not reeling it in. When the guy I'd gone out with only 5 times found out that I was setting up an evening beach picnic with $80-worth of imported cheeses, an expensive bottle of red, a dozen tea candles, and the petals of two-dozen roses, he dropped my ass like momma dropped Sloth. And rightly so. That sh-t was crazy. When you come on too strong too fast you put a lot of pressure on your partner. When you finally use the "L" word or set up the romantic beach picnic, it's supposed to fill your girl with magical feelings of joy, not the feeling animals get just prior to chewing off a limb to escape a bear trap.

[Don't you like picnics?]

You should never be dismissive or rude to a woman. We do not like assholes. We just like things to progress at a slow, reasonable pace. Get to know me before assuming that you love me. There may be a lot about me that you don't like and you don't want to find that out after a very expensive wedding [Ed. Note: I want doves]. Send a girl flowers after a third date, not a list of names for your future children. Send her a text asking her how her day is. It doesn't have to be either/or - ignoring her or calling her mom on your lunch break. There is a middle ground. It's where mature, mentally-balanced adults hang out [or so I hear]. She wants to fall for you. So relax and let her do it in her own time.