Grooming Tips For Today's Gentleman

When attemping to land a new lady friend (or when attempting to keep an existing lady friend), your appearance will play in important role in your success, whether you like it or not. I am here to give you some helpful tips on how to enhance your visual appeal in order to make it easier for you to score that date or to keep your woman happy.

MULLET

I don't care if your favorite singer is Billy Ray Cyrus or if you happen to own a tractor. Let's just say that if you have a haircut that involves a "party in the back," then a lady will not be keen to have a party on your face. Now, I know you think your ass looks like A.C. Slater, but you're not Mario Lopez (those dimples are like Halley's Comet, they only come around once every 76 years, so keep wishing).

In short, do yourself a favor a get a normal haircut. Your dating life will thank you for it.

FLAVOR SAVER (AKA SOUL PATCH)

The phrase "flavor saver" alone makes me feel like I've been molested by a janitor. You don't need a landing strip that leads to your mouth. I can find your mouth on my own, thankyouverymuch. If you sport one of these face 'dos, there is only a 7% chance you will get laid, but a 100% chance you will look creepy, so shave off your chin pubes. Yes, I'm looking at you, Howie Mandel. PS - your facial hair isn't fooling me into believing you're not bald. Geez.

WEIRD BACKSTREET BOYS-TYPE SKINNY FACIAL HAIR

Yes, I know that is very specific, but take my word for it - you do NOT want a piece of this.

I think that picture says it all. Moving on...


EXTRANEOUS BODY HAIR

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against body hair. I think it's normal for a dude to have body hair and I certainly love me some manly chest hair (see: Pierce Brosnan). In fact, if you're one of those guys who think it's sexy to shave all your body hair, it's not. I don't want to feel like I'm hooking up with Hulk Hogan and his super creepy hot-dog skin. If I wanted to feel a smooth body pressed up against mine, I'd become a lesbian. I hear Melissa Etheridge is available now.

So, clearly it's not the eradication of body hair we want. However, sometimes the amount and/or location of your body hair needs to be kept under control lest it overtake areas it should not. For example: back hair. Just...ugh. A little is normal, but if Jane Goodall moves into your house and tries to "live among you" because she mistakes you for a chimpanzee, then wax it, shave it, whatever. Just keep it under control.

Other areas to watch out for: ears, nose, pubes...you get the picture.

OVER-PLUCKED EYEBROWS

As noted above, we do appreciate your attempts at keeping your body hair sitch in line, but please please please, do not pull a Joey Lawrence. Bitch looks like a sparkly drag queen who forgot her wig.

I mean, you don't want to look like Andy Rooney, but this isn't much better. When it comes to eyebrow maintenance, moderation is key.

GOOD LUCK!